


if you're ready comic get it

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU, Artist AU, Artist Ben, Bookstore AU, Dirty Talk, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fantasizing, Het Sex, M/M, Penis In Vagina Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Social Media, Toni Morrison? In my Star Wars fic?, Tumblr, Twitter, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Writer AU, You've Got Mail AU, ben is still being torn apart, brief mentions of rey's sketchy past, cameos by famous writers, can't catch a break, coffee shop AU, comic book store au, fandoms - Freeform, gonna have to wait for it, internet stuff, its more likely than you think, knowing me probably lemons, lots of harry potter references, other sex stuff, probably erratic update patterns, soft boi solo, star wars inside of star wars inside of star wars, unprotected sex, writer rey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:35:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: When a chain store opens across the street from Rey's comic book store, she decides to go to war with the loathsome new owner, little realizing he's the same guy she's been internet crushing on forever.Modern You've Got Mail AU with way more comic books and tumblr instead of email.





	1. Chapter One

The cold was relentless, the kind of cold that wouldn't sit still, shivering wind like knifepoints poking at eyes and ears. Rey was used to the cold. She was born in London and had lived in New York for more than ten years, but still the sharp sting surprised her. Hands numb inside her gloves she gripped the metal grating and lifted, revealing the store front of Rebel Books and Records. When she opened the door she was met with the familiar smell of paper and vinyl, her favorite smell in the world.

Rebel Books and Records was a small store. The inventory was split between vintage records, comic books and out of print rare books. She flipped on the ancient coffee pot in the back, took off two of her four layers and started turning on lights to get ready for the day. Rey loved the routine of opening up shop early in the morning, the methodical flipping of switches and computers buzzing to life. She powered up the aging desktop computer and checked the store email and facebook page before logging into tumblr.

Rey was part of several fandoms, she had gotten into the scene around same time Poe had hired her at Rebel when he handed her his stack of must-read comic books and graphic novels. Classic Marvel stuff, artsy pieces like Maus and Persephone, and finally his entire collection of Sandman, all in original single issues. She had taken to Tumblr to discuss everything from plot lines to illustrators to publishing houses. She was active on a lot of tags and had a small number of internet friends she kept separate from her real life friends. It was cool to be into comics but she tried to hide the fact that she next level nerded out online.

The cold made for slow business so she sipped her coffee while scrolling though her messages.

kylo-ren sent a photo set:  
Check this out, dark horse is publishing Sherlock Frankenstein.

raven_  
oh hell yes, this is the content i'm living for. who's illustrating?

kylo-ren  
Jeff Lemire, his shit is pretty cool.

raven_  
yeah i've read plutonia and death of x, his style is great.

kylo-ren  
idk i feel like normally this wouldn't be my thing but trust DH to do it well

raven_  
tbh this is totally my thing. sherlock? monsters? i'm all in lol

kylo-ren  
i know you are loser, that why i sent it to you.

raven_  
awww yr thinking of me <3 <3

kylo-ren  
ya ya whatever.

raven_  
for all you know i'm secretly a middle age man w an illicit agenda

kylo-ren  
pls. no middle age man is THAT into hogwarts houses. i've seen your blog. do you rly need to sort every character into a house?

raven_  
yes. yes i do.

Just then the bell above the door dinged and Rey's boss Poe walked into the store.  
"God damn its cold!" He said, shaking show off his coat.

raven_  
gotta go, boss man is here

kylo-ren  
enjoy being a wage slave :))

Rey smiled and closed the tab. "How's it going boss?"

  
"Better now that i'm not freezing on a train that smells like piss. How you doing kiddo?"

  
"Can't complain," Rey said, moving from behind the counter to open up the boxes that had come in last night.

Poe went over to the computer and looked through music. "What are you in the mood for?"

  
"Surprise me," Rey said. A moment later Liar by Built to Spill began to pour from the speakers.

  
"Perfect," she said as she began unloading the new stock. Most of it was single issues from DC, but one of the boxes contained a few rare books which she picked up and unwrapped gently. There was a first edition of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. It was worn around the edges but it looked like it was in good shape.

  
"How much did you shell out for this?!"

  
"Not as much as someone is gonna pay for it, trust me. It was a steal."

  
Rey pressed her face into the book, relishing in the musty smell of the old paper. She imagined the little kid who first owned this book more than a hundred years ago. How exciting it must have been to fall into this world, the idea of traveling underwater before it was a reality. The people who had been inspired by Jules Verne and gone on to create real submarines, real diving suits. She let out a shuddering breath as she brought the book to the back display case.

Rey had always lived most of her life in books. She was an orphan who grew up in a home in London. When she was 14, she had entered a contest in the back of a magazine to win a trip to the states. She had won, and upon arriving in New York city, promptly decided she wasn't going back to the UK. She had run away from the tour, and no one really bothered to look for her. It wasn't like she had a family to miss her. The first year had been the hardest. She lived on the streets, doing whatever she needed to for food or money. Things that made her stomach turn when she thought about them now. She had wandered into Rebel Books and Records when she was 15, and begged Poe for a job. He agreed to let her work after school, without realizing she wasn't in school at all. He caught her sleeping in the back room after 3 months and instead of turning her into the cops, he helped her get her GED and enroll in online classes. He found her the crappy basement apartment she still had, and fronted her rent for nearly a year until she had enough saved. If it hadn't been for Poe, she would probably be dead.

The bell dinged again and Finn walked in, looking dazed and worried.

  
"What's that face?" Poe asked.

  
Finn plopped down into a chair behind the counter, coat still on.

  
"We're in trouble."

  
"What did you do?" Rey asked, pulling her mom face.

  
"Not me! Oh man, you guys. They're opening a First Order book store across the street, didn't you see the sign?"

  
Both Poe and Rey jumped up to run to the window. They hadn't seen it.

First Order was a chain comic book store, there were already 5 locations between Manhattan and Brooklyn.

  
"Fuck!" Poe ran his fingers through his hair.

  
"No you guys this is going to be fine," Rey said, looking between the two panicked faces.

"Honestly, sure we sell comics but we also have records and rare books and people know us, they're going to stay loyal. Who knows maybe this will even become like, comic book ally."

  
"Oh sweet little Rey, you absolute cupcake, sugar soup angel face. No. We should be very, very worried," Finn said. Rey made a sour face at him and opened her mouth to argue.

  
"Okay look, yes Finn it's concerning but Rey is right. We don't need to panic right now."

  
"So what do we do?" Asked Finn with a huff.

  
"We carry on as usual. Rey keep unpacking boxes, Finn go do inventory for records, see what got lifted this week."

  
Everyone set themselves to a task without another word, Rey flashed a big smile at Poe. In truth, she couldn't stop to think about what it would mean for the store to close. This was the closest thing to home she had ever had. She wouldn't let it happen. She just wouldn't.

 

 


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben's life is actually pretty great.

By all accounts, Ben Solo's life was easy. He had inherited more money than most people see in a lifetime from his parents legacy. His mother, a prolific author, and his father, a book mogul who was behind three of the top five booksellers nationwide, as well as multiple publishing companies. This had allowed Ben a certain amount of freedom which he greatly appreciated.

 

He traveled, he painted, he wooed women. It was easy, it was wonderful and up until very recently it had only required attending board meetings once or twice a month. However, his parents had recently decided that the reason he was still wild and untethered at the ripe old age of 28 was a lack of duty and responsibility.

In a way, giving him full run of a First Order Comics was an act of kindness. He really did appreciate the craft. He loved comic books, he loved superheroes and anti heroes and monsters. He loved reading in all its forms but the visual aspect of graphic novels had always been the most appealing.

 

At his core, Ben craved both art and information in large quantities all the time. He was smart, very smart. A fact that only made him feel like more of a disappointment. This store was a test and something deep inside of him raged against it, but he knew better than to bite the hand that feeds.

The quickest way out of this was to get the store running and then thriving, hire a competent staff and only have to check in occasionally. His goal was to get that done on the inside of a year. It didn't matter to him if the store didn't turn a real profit for 2-3 years as long as it was on track and trending upward.

Easy.

The less easy aspect was controlling his apparent contempt for the entire situation. He had never been one to hide his emotions well, and it had taken years and a few therapists to come to terms with a lot of the rage he felt. He was sometimes amazed when he thought back and realized it had been years since he physically got into a fight. More than a decade of deep breaths and walking away. But his eyes never lied. Ben hated that even now, all these years later he could still make people shrink back with a look. He appeared in stark extremes and when he was angry, it seethed through his skin and when he was sad it seemed to crumple him from the inside. He had been able to use the latter to his favor when he needed something, or when he needed to do damage control for the other side of his behavior.

Not this time. He was just going to do this job and do it well and then he would reward himself with snowboarding in the alps. Easy.

He didn't mind New York, he even liked it. In fact, of all the cities it was probably his favorite, and the one he was in the most. It wasn't the being in New York he didn't like, it was the not being able to leave.

He had opted for a more industrial place, sleek and modern was depressing in large doses. His apartment was in Brooklyn, open and airy with floor to ceiling windows and exposed brick and the hugest ceilings he had ever seen. It was obvious the building had once been a factory, and now it was gutted and his to do with as he pleased. He had a huge king size bed with no frame, loose vintage rugs places tastefully across the space, a large leather couch and projector screen set up against a white diving wall. As far as being cooped up went, it wasn't bad at all.

There was a sharp knock at the door. Ben rolled his eyes, sweeping over to the door to unbolt it.

"Finally, I was freezing out there."

  
"Mom it took me like one second," Ben sighed as his mother pushed past him. He was so, so much taller and broader than she was and yet m she was somehow so, so much bigger. She took up the entire apartment and she glowed. Her presence was luminous. He loved her.

"Are ya mad at me?" She asked with a wink.

  
"You know I'm not," Ben said. "I would be well within my rights if I was, by the way. But I'm not."

  
"Good, cos I wasn't in the mood to fight. I just spent a week with Joan Didion in California and the mere idea of a New York winter is enough to make me scream. I'm only in town for there days, thought I'd make an appearance at your dads party. Scare his new girlfriend a little."

  
Ben smiled lightly, "Well I can't say the party doesn't sound better now that you're going to be there."

  
"Honestly, there's never been a party that wasn't improved by my presence. You on the other hand, eh."

  
She took off past him to the kitchen without another word to make coffee.

Ben sat down on his bed and flipped open his sleek macbook.

 **raven** _  
what was the worst book they made u read in high school?

 **kylo-ren**  
lord of the flies scared the shit out of me tbh.

 **raven** _  
no way

 **kylo_ren**  
seriously! the whole part where they kill the kid, freaked me out. i read it again much later and enjoyed it tho

 **kylo_ren**  
wbu?

 **raven** _  
hatchet

 **kylo-ren**  
no way dude that book is badass

 **raven** _  
it's literally the most boring/depressing book i've ever read still to this day i swear

 **kylo-ren**  
okay what was the best one then?

 **raven** _  
harry potter

 **kylo-ren**  
no way you read that as part of school

 **raven** _  
i'm british of course they made us read it

 **kylo-ren**  
okay you're trolling me i'm leaving

 **raven** _  
byeeee

  
Ben smiled as he closed his laptop. He rolled his neck. He really wasn't looking forward to this party tonight, even if he was happy to see his mom. It was going to be more stuffy bank people than interesting book people, a balance he always hated. He thought back longingly about his dad's birthday party a decade ago when Joss Whedon had showed up. Well, if there wasn't going to be anyone interesting maybe there would at least be someone beautiful. New York was awfully cold in the winter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i posted this chapter on the subway and it made it its own fic so i deleted and reposted it. this is the last chapter for today but i should have the next one up tomorrow. they're gonna meet irl and it's nottt gonna go well lol. thank you all for the comments you guys are the best!!!!


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben meet irl

Ben always made it a point to personally check out the competition. On the one hand, he really loved small print stores.

But he sure as shit loved his lifestyle more.

While he could understand how weeding out all small print stores was objectively unfortunate, he didn't really care enough to feel bad. It wasn't anything personal, it was just business. And despite his desire to be anywhere else right now, he was good at what he did. Ben had a firm understanding of business, he had double majored in economics and applied mathematics at Oxford and he got a minor in fine art at NYU.

If he had it his way he would do nothing but read and draw in a different city every day. He didn't have his way right now though, and he decided to check out the other local comic book store. It was owned by a man named Poe Dameron who he knew a bit but not well. He had been waiting to stop by until today because he didn't want Poe to recognize him and a simple phone call asking to speak with the owner revealed that Poe never worked on Saturday. So Ben headed out into the brisk winter morning armed with only a cup of coffee and a grand total of there hours sleep.

The store was busy, busier than he expected but it was December in New York, and book sales always rose around the holidays. Still, it was refreshing to see so many people genuinely interested in comics.

 

The crowd was varied, there were people of all ages browsing, Date With the Night by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs was playing loudly over the speaker. A young black man was ringing people up behind the counter and a strikingly pretty brunette was assisting customers on the floor.

Ben began to browse, trying to size up the collection. In addition to comics they also carried a small selection of vintage records and an even smaller selection of rare books. He kind of loved the entire store immediately which made him uneasy. He suddenly wanted go.

"You finding everything you're looking for?"

  
The voice was sweet and very British. He turned his head and found himself face to face with the brunette girl.

  
"This is an impressive selection," he said, nodding toward the floor.

  
"It's awesome isn't it?" She said it like she was letting him in on a secret, like she too couldn't believe how good the stock was, despite clearly working here.

  
"How often do you guys get new stuff in?"

  
"Well we get new issues three times a week, rare books and vinyl kinda come in when they come in. Oh speaking of which, you like old books right? I can tell."

  
He did in fact like old books but he was willing to bet this was more of a sales tactic. She could tell he had money, and she was charming him into looking at the more expensive stock. It was working. 

 

She led him over to a glass display case, slipped a key into and pulled out a first edition of Mary Shelly's Frankenstein. He loved it. It was a beautiful cover, blood red binding and a floral print. His heart skipped.

  
"This is, wow." He said.

  
"I know right," she giggled. "You know technically this is the very first science fiction book ever written, Mary Shelly saw the experiments that were happening with electricity trying to revive the dead and wrote about what would happen if it worked. We think of sci-fi as such a mans world but really it was pioneered by a woman." She ran her fingers over the binding as she spoke, her accent soft and lilting, her eyes bright as stars.

  
"I'll take it," he said.

  
Her face lit up even more and that smile was worth the price of the book.

  
"It's $3,800 you know," she said.

  
Okay, almost the price of the book. No backing out now.

  
"It's a christmas gift for someone," he said, which wasn't exactly true. His mind slid automatically to Raven and he wondered if he could get her to give him her address, he knew this would be the sort of thing she flipped out over.

He also knew it was WAY too big of a gift to give an internet friend, so in reality this book was going to sit on his shelf.

"Well, your friends are lucky to have you, let me tell you!" She looked almost sad to have made the sale, but then she laughed and led him up to the counter to check him out.  
The dark skinned boy playfully nudged the brunette, probably impressed by her sale and consequent commission.

  
Her whole face was a smile, she made him feel simultaneously wonderful and horrible. He knew this shop didn't stand a chance once it started to lose profits. Maybe he could offer her a job when it closed.

  
"This store is great, what's your name?"

  
"Oh I'm Rey and this is Finn. We're just the shopgirls though, the owner isn't in today."

  
Finn rolled his eyes at her.

  
"I'm Ben. It was nice to meet you Rey, you too Finn."

  
He was suddenly very anxious to leave.

  
"I gotta go, but thanks for the book."

  
"You're gonna come back right?" It was Finn, eyeing him up and down.

  
Ben let out a breathy little laugh, "Oh yeah," he said.

  
"See," Rey said, "That's why we're going to be fine. Even if they open five First Order stores around here, people know that we provide a better service and we have better, rarer products."

  
Finn shrugged.

  
Ben felt hot and sick.

  
"Thanks again, I- I gotta get going." He backed up toward the door.

  
"See you soon Ben!" Rey called after him.  
He wished it weren't true.

~~~

Rey was going with Poe to a fancy party tonight. Rebel Books was small, but the publishing world is small and the rare print world even smaller. Poe often got to go to interesting events and rub elbows with interesting people and this time, he was bringing Rey along with him. She was more excited than she had any right to be, and spent the entire afternoon after work trying on every dress she owned.

 

Admittedly, that was only a few dresses. Most of them were forever 21 and some she had bought second hand at thrift stores in Williamsburg. She finally settled on a simple black dress that fell just above her knees. It dipped into a low V in the front (the perk of being small chested) and swooped low in the back. She paired it with plain black heels and a gold necklace.

 

She was just finishing her makeup when the buzzer rang. It was only about six steps from her bathroom to the other side of the basement apartment.

  
She swung the door open. "I swear I am almost done! Just have to even my brows."  
Poe stepped into the space, now full with the two of them.

  
"It's all good, being fashionably late is my thing."

  
She smiled as she rushed back into the bathroom, finishing her makeup and spraying herself with perfume.

  
"Ready!" She grabbed her coat from the hook by the door.

  
"You look stunning. Seriously, if I was into girls I would have already married you," Poe said wistfully.

  
"Oh please, I'm out of your league," Rey said teasingly.

  
"True," Poe sighed.

  
"Plus we both know you're crushing on Finn."

Poe smiled smugly and shrugged. He took her arm in his and they headed out to catch the subway.

The party was indeed very fancy. Rey was pretty sure she had never been to anything this posh in her life, and she was thrilled. There were all different types of people here, Poe had explained. A lot of investors, bank people. A few authors and publishers, although probably not any comic book artists. Maybe though. She was still keeping a sharp eye out for familiar faces. It didn't take her long to find one, although it was one of the last faces she expected to see. The rich dude from the store earlier. He looked even richer now, in a jet black suit with his hair pushed back elegantly. Gone was the causal peacoat and dark jeans. He looked impressive, foreboding. He was so tall, so broad and so, so out of her league.

She wanted to say hi anyway. She excused herself from where Poe was chatting with an old man who was about as interesting as dust and walked across the room to where Ben was getting a drink.

"Ben, right?"

  
His face seemed even paler in this light, his eyes darting around quickly. Maybe his girlfriend was here, the one he bought the book for.

  
"Do you remember me?" She asked with a smile.

  
"Of course I do Rey, it's good to see you. A little surprising to say the least."

  
His voice was so low, it felt like it was dragged out of him and into her ears. She kind of liked it.

  
"No kidding, I'm surprised to see me here too. Just got to come along for the ride, I'm out of my element!" She leaned in and whispered the words to him, her hand settling onto his arm. He was stiff beside her, and she pulled back.  
"Anyway, good to see you. Hope your friend enjoys the book."

  
"I'm sure she will," he said softly before turning around and walking away.

  
Rey frowned, when he had come into the store earlier he had seemed friendly enough. He was handsome and interesting but now he just seemed like he was in a hurry to get away from her. She checked her teeth for food in a nearby mirror. All good.

"Rey baby, why on earth were you talking to Ben Solo?" Poe asked her when she came back over to him.

  
"What? Ben So- are you sure?!"

  
"Positive, you don't forget cheek bones like that. What did he want? Did you tell him anything."

  
Rey felt dizzy, she tried to remember the details of her conversation with him earlier. Had she given anything away?

  
She downed the rest of her drink and stalked back over to where Ben was putting cheese and crackers on a plate.

"You're Ben Solo."

  
He looked at her like she was stupid.

  
"Yes. I know."

  
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.

  
"Honestly, why would I? Odds are I'm going to put you out of business by springtime. Why would I tell you who I was?"

  
Rey was bristling now. He was being shameless.

  
"So what, you came to spy on us today?"

  
Ben snorted and stopped cutting cheese to face her.

  
"Are you serious? Why would I need to spy on you?"

  
"Because we're your competition."

  
He actually laughed at that.

  
"No, you're not. Even if you managed to stay open, there's no way you would even make a dent in my overall profit. I don't need to come spy on some second rate used book store, are you kidding me? What secret information do you think you're hiding from me? I'm sure you do roughly $600,000 in sales a year."

  
He was right, on the high end even. She was shaking, words failing her. His eyes had been flashing like knife points while he spoke.

  
"You're unbelievable," Rey whispered.

  
"And honestly Rey, you're inconsequential. In the grand scheme of things, you're nothing."  
Rey felt her eyes sting. She drew a shuddering breathe and suddenly his face softened, his eyes slamming from menacing to ashamed. He opened his mouth to say something else but before he had a chance, Rey turned and walked away from him.

She spent the next hour silently drinking next to Poe before asking if they could please go home.

 Thank   
"I just don't feel well," she said. She didn't.

~~~~

Ben felt like shit. He didn't know what came over him at the party. He hadn't been expecting to see her, she said herself she was just the shop girl and unless she was fucking Poe (who he was pretty sure was gay) he had no idea why she would have been invited. Still, he had been horrible. Why has he been so horrible? He didn't need to tear her down like that. He couldn't explain why he had wanted to. He was somehow angry at this young girl for the entire situation. For his parents insistence on giving him this store. For the fact that it meant he had to watch her fail. It made him sick. He thought again about offering her a job and knew she would never take it now. He poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the couch with his laptop.

 **kylo-ren**  
i had a shit day

 **raven** _  
wow same

 **kylo-ren**  
do you ever just feel like you become the worst version of yourself? like so much of the time you can keep it together and act like a normal human until one little thing just fucks you up and bam, you destroy something just for the sake of destroying it

 **raven** _  
no but tbh i'm kind of jealous. i get SO weak in situations like that and just end up turning in on myself instead of being able to act on it

 **kylo-ren**  
no i'm jealous. honestly, i think i'm a bad person.

 **raven** _  
you know you're not, stop it. tbh you're like, my favorite person. it's actually dumb i find myself on this site 99% of the time just to talk to you

 **kylo-ren**  
okay are you trolling me again bc it's been A Night™ and i can't handle it

 **raven** _  
lmao no asshole i'm srs

Ben's heart started slamming in his chest. He had been talking to Raven for more than three years with not even a hint at who she actually was. It was memes and book recs and occasional late night philosophical discussions about Gaiman and the meaning of life. Could she be serious? Oh my god he wanted her to be serious.

 **kylo-ren**  
what if i came to see you. i've been meaning to go to london

 **raven** _  
okay wow can you actually just ~fly~ to london lmao what do you do? i forget i have no actual idea who you are or what you look like or if you're a serial killer. also you could definitely fly to london that would probably be great but i don't live there so...

 **kylo-ren**  
where do you live?

 **raven** _  
new york. pls don't murder me.

 **kylo-ren**  
well that's significantly easier bc same

 **raven** _  
wait actually? that's so weird....

 **kylo-ren**  
there's like 8 million ppl in new york dude

 **raven** _  
truuuuu. okay so what do we do lol

 **kylo-ren**  
we get coffee. soon. like tomorrow?

 **raven** _  
ya i'm around after 6. where?

 **kylo-ren**  
there's a coffee shop on 5th avenue and 13th in Park Slope. 7pm work?

 **raven** _  
yeah totally. wow this is weird

 **kylo-ren**  
i know, and we don't have to do it or we could exchange more info but i kind of like the idea of doing this blind

 **raven** _  
ya same. and it will give me a chance to woo you w my winning personality when my looks fail. that way you can't bail after seeing what i look

 **kylo-ren**  
oh i totally still could, but i won't. idc what you look like i just wanna meet you and buy you a cup of coffee.

 **raven** _  
i will always say yes to free coffee. So i'll see you tomorrow? how will you know it's me?

 **kylo-ren**  
bring a copy of harry potter. i'll know it's you

 **raven** _  
lmao perfect. i'll see you tomorrow.

 **kylo-ren**  
can't wait

Ben closed the laptop. His heart was slamming in his chest. As bad as he had felt about Rey before none of it seemed to matter now. He couldn't believe this was happening. He meant it, it didn't really matter what Raven looked like. She was the funniest, smartest, most adorable human he had ever been in contact with and as long as she was better looking than an actual heap of trash he wanted to be married to her by next winter. He paced around his apartment for a solid hour before finally getting in bed. Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys SO much for all the wonderful responses i can't tell you how much it means to me. It's my birthday and all i want is comments/kudos and to write this story for you guys.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey drags Ben on twitter and their date goes very, very poorly.

First Order had only been officially open for a week and already their numbers were down. Poe was stressed, he was snapping at everyone. He was a man of action and feeling helpless was his least favorite thing. It was hard to watch. Rey was worried about the store too but she had faith that after this initial bust people would still come and shop with them. They had an amazing selection of rare books and vinyl but they made most of their money through comic books sales. Take away comic books and Poe might as well just run an eBay store.

The bell above the door dinged and Finn walked in with a tray of coffees and a bag of breakfast sandwiches.  
"I think we need fuel," he said, handing coffee to Poe and Rey. Poe smiled up at him.  
"Honestly Finn, you're my hero."  
Finn blushed (you couldn't really see it but Rey could tell) and shrugged with a little smile.

It was hard to be worried about anything right now. She was actually meeting Kylo today. It was so weird to think about and it was all she could think about.

"I have a date tonight," she said finally when Poe and Finn were tucking into their breakfast.

  
"Wait like a real date? With a human male?" Finn asked.

  
"Shut up, yes a real date."

  
"Okay but how, I mean who?" Poe asked.

  
"Honestly, we met online, but like FOREVER ago. I've been chatting with this guy for years about comics and music and we just realized we live in the same city."

  
"Whoa, so what does he do? Can we see a pic?"

  
"I have no idea and I don't have one."

  
"Rey for real? It's 2017 how can that be."

  
"We only talk on Tumblr, it's very anon. And we thought it might be fun to go into this blind."

  
Poe started cracking up, "Oh cupcake he is gonna lose his shit when he sees you."

  
Rey swatted him but was smiling.

  
"Honestly," Poe said, "I'm glad you have something to look forward to right now. I am jealous, I wish I had a cutie."

  
"To be fair, we have no idea if he is cute. He might be super ugly," Finn pointed out.

  
"Honestly I don't care, I've been internet crushing on him forever."

  
"Well let's just hope he's not a murderer. We're happy for you though babe, that's gonna be fun. You need more fun."

  
"Thanks Poe," Rey said.

  
"Speaking of fun," Finn said slowly. "I have an idea."

  
"Why am I nervous about it?" Poe asked.

  
"I think we should drag First Order on social media. Let people know that supporting local business is important, that we can offer some kind of perk or membership deal? Let them know what a total dick Ben Solo is."

  
"I like it," Rey said, feeling wicked.

  
Poe was smiling, Rey could tell he loved the idea even if it was wildly unprofessional.

  
"Okay, you guys come up with something. Run it by me first. Nothing that's going to make us look bad, okay?"

  
"You got it boss!" Rey said.

Rey and Finn spent most of the morning coming up with post ideas. Eventually they narrowed it down to a few. On Facebook they would post information about why small business was important, quotes that they liked about shopping small and the importance of customer service. On twitter, they would drag First Order and Ben Solo. Poe reluctantly approved and Rey and Finn set to work.

~~~

Ben woke up in a great mood, the kind of mood where you're already smiling before you know why. He had nothing real to do today before his date so he'd allowed himself to sleep in. By the time he got up and started the day it was after noon. He made coffee, checked tumblr (no new message from Raven) and checked his email.

 **generalhux87@gmail.com**  
Have You Seen This Shit?

Ben, what the hell is rebel books and why the FUCK are they dragging your ass on twitter?! You need to see this.

 **Rebel Books** @rebelbooksnrecords  
Imagine being so soulless that you're excited about the downfall of small print shops? #SaveTheRebels

 **Rebel Books** @rebelbooksnrecords  
@BenSoloIRL wants to turn the upper west side into a strip mall. Don't be like Ben. #SaveTheRebels  
  
**Rebel Books** @rebelbooksnrecords  
10% of our profits go to inner city schools in NYC @FirstOrderBooks keep 100% of their profits. Fat cats get fatter. Who's side are you on? #SaveTheRebels

 **Rebel Books** @rebelbooksnrecords  
@BenSoloIRL is just cruising on his parents legacy. @HanSolo52 and @MissLeiaO did all the work, he gets all the reward.

Ben, you need to get them to take this down. This makes you look really bad. Call when you can.

-Hux

Oh no. No no. This was not good. He scrubbed his hands through his hair.  
"Fuck."  
His phone buzzed.

From Dad  
So...been on twitter yet?

To Dad  
yes. i am dealing w it.

From Dad  
I hope so Ben. I'll have Laura from PR call you in an hour. I would like to see you for lunch. Can you meet me at 3?

To Dad  
It's a busy day for me...

From Dad  
Moxy hotel for one drink. 3pm.

To Dad  
okay

This was not good. Why had he been such a dick to Rey? If he hadn't torn into her the way he did he was sure he wouldn't be dealing with a backlash like this. It was unlikely that this little twitter tantrum was going to effect any profits in the long run but it was definitely going to effect his overall image. The last thing Ben wanted to be seen as was a trust fund brat with no work ethic. He hated that Rey thought of him like that. He hated that anyone thought of him like that, but it somehow felt worst when it was her. Even the prospect of his date tonight seemed dimmer, and he debated canceling. No, it was the only thing keeping him sane right now. He just had to get through today. Just one afternoon with his father. He could do this. It would be so worth it when he got to meet Raven tonight.

His father was already drinking at the hotel bar when Ben showed up.  
"Hey kid," he said, his constant 5 o'clock shadow at odds with his impeccable Armani suit.

"What did Laura say?"

  
Ben sat down. There was already a glass of whiskey waiting for him.

  
"She can't do anything about what's been posted, and we have no real grounds for a cease and desist. But she's on our twitter and instagram hamming up how wonderful we are, what we've done for non profits blah blah. It's not great but it's not as bad as it could be."

  
"It's pretty bad Ben," Han smiled tightly.

  
"You know your mother and I really thought this would be good for you, a good chance to be on the forefront of what we do instead of just behind the scenes. If you're going to run this entire company one day, you need to have a grasp of what it's like from all sides."

  
"I know dad, and I'm grateful for the opportunity."

  
It wasn't exactly a lie, Ben was grateful but he also hated everything about it. If he had it his way, he would run small print shop too. It was hard to have an active hand in destroying something he loved. His dad would never understand that, he would only see it as being ungrateful. His father had worked so hard to create this life for him. His mother might understand, she was always the philanthropist, always the bleeding heart, but she was tougher and more stubborn than his father and had always butted heads with both of them.

  
"I promise, I take this opportunity seriously. I'll make sure to get a handle on this."

  
"Good. Now drink your whiskey." His father smiled, and raised his own class to click agains Ben's.

Ben did as he was told.

  
At 6:30 Ben was dressed. He was in dark black jeans, a black button up shirt and a black peacoat. He looked at himself in the mirror with appreciation, he looked impressive, imposing even. He was confident she wouldn't run screaming from the sight of him which was all he could really ask for. He ordered a car and headed out. It was stupid how excited he was.

He got to the coffee shop at 7:00 on the dot and froze. He needed a minute. What was he going to talk about? He needed to make this girl love him, why hadn't he planned out more interesting things to say? Plus with all the Rebel Books shit that had happened he was feeling self conscious about himself and his image.

 

He wanted to sit and talk about books without feeling like an asshole. He paced around outside the coffee shop for another few minutes. He was just going to look in and see if he could see her. Maybe she really was ugly. Maybe he could just forget this whole thing. He had to at least look. He pressed his face to the window and looked around, there were a handful of people in the shop, working on laptops or talking to each other. In the back corner he saw someone with their face in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. There she was. Now if only she would put the book down. Put it down come on. The waiter came over and set a large cup of coffee next to her and she put the book down to thank him.

No. No fucking way.

It was Rey.

Rey was Raven.

This couldn't be happening, there's no way that this was his life. Ben felt dizzy, he felt hot and nauseated. He took a step back from the window. Of all 8 million people in New York, she had to be this one. Of course she was, her knowledge of comic books, he had to have subconsciously known she was in the same industry, right?

Although a lot of comic book nerds had normal jobs like bank tellers and teachers and baristas.

Fuck.

This was the worst day of his life. She was beautiful, she was smart, she liked all the same things that he did and she absolutely hated him. It was hopeless, there was no way to come back from this. Not after today, not after the twitter tantrum. He shouldn't even want her, but he did. He tried to mentally play out how this go, how could he say "Hey wow this is weird but I'm actually the guy you hate lol funny right anyway run away with me."  
He should just go. He should delete his blog. Let her hate Kylo-Ren as much as she hates Ben Solo. Of all the disappointments of the last few weeks this one would be the one to do him in. It was selfish of him to believe he could have any good thing, not when he spent his life crushing the people below him. Someone as good as Rey was never going to love someone like him. It was the only thing to do. He had to walk away.

~~~

Kylo-Ren was late. It was almost 7:15, and Rey was two cups of coffee in. She kind of had to pee but she wasn't going to risk missing him walk in. She had gone for a casual look, faded jeans and a dark grey turtle neck sweater, plain gold hoop earrings and dark lipstick. Where was he? The door opened again and her heart lurched, and then dropped into her stomach. Ben Solo was here, the absolute last person that she wanted to see. Maybe he wouldn't talk to her, maybe he would just- oh. Oh no.

  
"So, just re-caffeinating after a long day of dragging me on twitter?"

  
"It does tend to make one thirsty," Rey said as cold as she could.

 

"Mind if I sit?"

  
"Actually yes. I'm waiting for someone."

  
"What, like a date?" Ben said, his voice taunting.

  
"Yeah, like a date. Is that okay with you?"

  
He held up his hands in mock surrender.

  
"Look I think you and I need to talk," he said.

  
"I can't imagine we have much to say to each other Ben," Rey said.

  
"I can just sit with you until your date comes, how about that?"

  
"I'd really rather you didn't."

  
The door opened again and Rey's eyes jumped up. Ben followed her gaze.

  
"So who is this guy anyway, I wanna know what Rey's type is."

  
"Oh it is soo none of your business."

  
"Let me guess, he's into comic books too?"

  
"Why are you doing this? Did you follow me here because you're mad about the twitter thing? Because that's super creepy Ben."

  
"Trust me, this was just a weird coincidence. Probably the weirdest thing to happen to me all day which is saying something."

  
She eyed him suspiciously. She still wasn't sure he wasn't stalking her. The door opened again, an old woman walked in and she crumpled.

  
"You know I'm not a bad guy Rey, I got into this industry for the same reason you did. I love comic books."

  
Rey almost laughed, but it came out an indignant huff.

  
"No Ben, you were born into this industry. And the main difference between you and I is that you want to monopolize it, control it, and I want to nurture it. So much of what makes this job amazing is the day to day customer interactions, introducing kids to the Marvel universe and watching as they work their way through the entire world, the way they reach infinity wars and come to me distraught and then empowered. It's about supporting kids with dreams of drawing, of writing. It's handing someone a record that changed your life and watching it impact theirs. You could never understand that, to you it's just numbers. It's profits and economic growth. You've managed to disconnect the heart of this world from the flesh of it and you could never understand."

  
"Oh you think I don't understand?" Ben said, his eyes flashing again.

She could see pure anger undulating under the surface. It made him seem even bigger. She didn't care.

"I know you don't Ben Solo, because if you did, you wouldn't be able to sleep at night."

  
His face fell, he closed his eyes, nodding.

  
"I'm sorry I bothered you, I should go."

  
She wanted to tell him that yes, he should go, but he looked like a kicked dog and some strange part of her almost asked him to stay. Almost. He got up and left the coffee shop without another word.

  
Rey felt her eyes sting. Kylo was an hour late. She opened her phone and messaged him on Tumblr.

 **raven** _  
are you coming or???

Fifteen minutes later and still no response. Biting her lip, she threw her book into her backpack and left the coffee shop.

~~~  
Ben got back to his giant, cold apartment in Brooklyn and immediately looked at plane tickets.

  
He didn't check Tumblr.

  
He couldn't handle knowing how much he hurt Rey, what kind of a person she must think he was to stand her up. It couldn't be worse than what she thought about the real him. He didn't know why he had gone back in, he knew exactly how it was going to go but he couldn't help it. Now that he knew who she really was he had to talk to her. Some sick part of his brain though maybe he could win her over. God he was a fucking idiot.

  
Cambodia looked nice. Maybe he should go there. He imagined taking Rey with him, showing her the massive detailed structures of Angkor Wat. Ugh what was wrong with him?  
He didn't check Tumblr.

  
He looked at tickets to Nashville, to Los Angeles, to Seattle.

  
He lit a cigarette inside. He didn't care. He drank whiskey from the bottle.

  
He threw a plate at the wall and then stared at it for a few minutes.

  
He didn't clean it up.

  
He didn't check Tumblr.

  
He drank and drank and drank. He put on Sea Change by Beck and then played Lost Cause on repeat.

  
He texted Hux

To Hux  
i think i'm gonna quit an move to south americca

From Hex  
you're drunk. what happened

To Hux  
nothing. everything. idk i'm just done

From Hux  
lol how u gonna live w no money when ur dad cuts u off

To Hux  
idc. i can't do this hux i feel horrible

From Hux  
is this about the twitter thing?

From Hex  
ben?? r u ok??

Ben threw his phone onto the bed. He was so done. He just needed to sleep, he just needed to not be for a little while and he could figure out the rest later. He could go to Brazil or Spain or Shanghai. The room spun. He closed his eyes.

 

When he opened his eyes again the sun was just coming out. His throat felt scratchy, his eyes sticky. He sat up and looked around. There was broken glass on the floor, and the sight brought intense shame. He carefully stepped over it to get a broom. He swept, cleaned up the booze from last night, plugged in his dead phone and checked Tumblr.

 **raven** _  
are you coming or???

 **raven** _  
are you dead in a ditch tho. should i be worried?

 **raven** _  
tbh i'm not worried i'm just upset, what happened?

 **raven** _  
okay look, maybe we rushed this idk. maybe it wasn't meant to be but i was rly excited to meet you. it's weird bc you don't know me at all and obv you don't owe me anything and if you don't wanna talk anymore i get it or if you still wanna talk but never meet irl i get that too. i just want you to know you mean a lot to me, being able to connect w you in this way for all these years has been a life saver so if that's all it ever it is, that's fine. i hope ur ok.

  
Fuck. He was the worst person, the worst kind of person, the most selfish. He should just ignore her, he should tell her the truth or let her go. He wasn't going to do either of those things though.

 **kylo-ren  
** i am so, so sorry for what happened. i can't explain it right now but i promise as soon as i can i will tell u everything. if you don't want to talk to me i understand but pls know that i do care about you, and i will make this up to you one day if you let me. for now can we just be tumblr buddies again? i hate the idea of having to get through a day without talking to you

He pressed send. He had a plan forming slowly in the back of his head. He needed to make Rey love the real him as much as she loved Kylo. He could do this, it was just going to take a lot of work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you guys enough for all the love and support. This took me longer bc I was nursing a crazy birthday hangover. My goal is to get one more chapter up in the next day or so before I have to drive across country. I can't tell you how much I appreciate comments/kudos. Love you guys!!!


	5. Chapter FIve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas time makes everyone kind of emotional.

"I can't believe he stood you up and you still talk to him," Finn said sourly as Rey poured over the computer in the shop.

 

It had been more than a week since kylo-ren had been a no show, and it had been so disappointing on a day where everything seemed to be going wrong, but the truth was all he had ever been to her was an internet friend and so to relegate him back to the depths of tumblr didn't feel like a real loss, she was just happy she still had him there to talk to.

If this is what it was, it was enough.

  
"He's probably just one of those deep web nerds," she said, "maybe he has intense social anxiety or falls somewhere on the spectrum and is worried that our real life conversations won't be interesting. It's not like I haven't wondered that too. Sometimes you meet someone and all that cyber-chemistry just evaporates. I mean have you tried tinder?"

  
"And you're making excuses for him," Finn said, inclining his head.

"I'm just salty he blew you off, I'm sure your right and you are no doubt out of his league anyway. Maybe he lives in his moms basement in Staten Island and just said he lives in the city."

  
"Oh my god no! He can't be that bad," Rey choked back a laugh.

  
"I just think he got scared and I don't really blame him for that. Or maybe he has a girlfriend, and he agreed to meet me before thinking it through but doesn't wanna tell me about the girlfriend or lie to said girlfriend, I don't know Finn but I'm not mad about it. I just like being able to talk to him."

  
Finn smiled and raised his eyebrows at her and she swatted him.

  
"Don't you have books to straighten?"

  
Finn raise his hands in surrender and wandered off to the back of the store.

 **raven** _  
do you actually live in your moms basement

 **kylo-ren**  
lmao my mom doesn't let anyone stay in her house for more than an hour or two

 **raven** _  
so no man cave, littered with mountain dew and doritos bags

 **kylo-ren**  
look i like video games as much the next guy but y i k e s no

 **raven** _  
what about work tho, what do you do?

She figured if he wasn't willing to jump in and meet her, maybe she could make herself seem like a more real person, talk about real life, warm him up a little bit.

 **kylo-ren**  
i'm not avoiding that question but i have to run to a meeting, talk later?

 **raven** _  
lol okay i get it, your meeting is just one of those group battles on Destiny 2 isn't it

 **kylo-ren**  
yes and if i don't get my mom to bring me mountain dew now i won't be able to get it for hours so i gotta run

 **raven** _  
have fun lol

  
Rey closed the tab. Maybe he was avoiding telling her what he did for work. Maybe he really was a serial killer. She shook her head and began to dust the store. It was dead, it had been dead all week and with Christmas around the corner, it felt ominous and strange. Sales were dismally low and Rey had a headache. She liked the slow methodical rhythm of cleaning and allowed her thoughts to wander. Maybe one day she could get kylo-ren to meet her, maybe he was secretly beautiful or rich or both, brooding and misunderstood. She smiled to herself and turned the music up as she started to sweep.

~~~

Ben definitely did not have a meeting. He definitely didn't live in his mothers basement either (he loved her in very small doses, the idea made him shudder). And he definitely didn't know what to tell Rey about what he did for work. He didn't want to lie, but he also couldn't give her enough specifics to lead her back to his real identity. Not yet anyway.

Ben hated lying. He was honest to a fault, it was like he had no filter when it came to these things and it was easier to duck out and avoid than to come up with a lie. It took him most of the morning to figure out to tell her real things without telling her the big things.

 **kylo-ren**  
i work as an illustrator

 **raven_**  
wait seriously? do i know your stuff?

 **kylo-ren**  
i don't get to do a done of comics, i usually do commissions and some graphic design, logos and building layouts, it's more on the technical end

 **raven** _  
that's so cool

Ben was pleased with himself. He did do a fair bit of illustrating for various people and companies, it was a way to make easy money on the side but it he did it because he liked to. He didn't need it for an income source, he just needed the creative outlet. It wasn't his only job but it wasn't a lie either.

 **raven** _  
i work in retail, but at least it's dealing w books. although tbh i don't know how much longer i will have this job

Ben felt that wave of nausea again, he pinched the bridge of his nose. It was one thing when he felt like he could be himself and try to get Rey to like him but this harsh reminder of her hatred for him was hard to stomach.

 **kylo-ren**  
oh yeah? shop in trouble

 **raven** _  
definitely, and it's out of my control. i should start looking at other stuff but this is the only job i've ever had.

Ben wondered if someone else was helping Rey, did she have a boyfriend? A rich family? He didn't think so but it was hard to tell.

 **kylo-ren**  
that's a good job to have tho i can see why you like it. don't give up hope yet

He had no idea why he said it. He knew that Rebel books was screwed, Poe must know also, even Rey seemed to know.

 **raven** _  
thanks bud, i gotta go finish doing actual work i'll ttyl

Ben sighed. His pride at having come up with a reasonable/truthful/interesting occupation was drowned out by his guilt. He felt his blood pushing through his veins, wanted to hit something so he counted to ten instead, and he went for a walk.

It was almost Christmas, which as a Jew Ben didn't celebrate but he did appreciate the aesthetic of Christmas in New York. Every street was lined with twinkle lights, fresh snow was dusted over every bit of resilient foliage, kids were holding onto their parents hands to avoid slipping on the ice. It was wholesome and adorable and made him unreasonably sad.

He thought of San Diego, some place Christmas would feel less like an expectation and more like another calendar holiday. Without thinking about where he was heading, he had been wandering toward his First Order store without realizing it.

 

Now he was standing in front of a Rebel Books. It was quiet inside, he could see Rey laughing, sitting on the counter talking with Finn and Poe and bringing a chipped mug of coffee to to her lips. He wondered what the other men had said to make her laugh, he wondered if she laughed like that while talking to kylo-ren. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair messy and she looked...beautiful.

Just at that moment her head snapped to the window. She locked eyes with him and a strange expression crossed her face, surprise, curiosity, and then just as quickly anger. Lips tight and eyes narrowed, scowling at him. He nodded his head at her quickly and set off down the street.

~~~  
Rey had been in a relatively good moon until she had seen Ben watching her. He had looked so...sad. What the hell did Ben Solo have to be so sad about? Which small business to destroy this week? Which foreign country to jet off to? She had seen his Instagram, it was breathtaking. He had been all over the world and he had an eye for photography. His photos looked like a travel blog and it made her irrationally angry. Why was he stopping outside her shop to look at her like a kicked dog.

She knew that objectively, Ben Solo was a babe. Albeit in kind of a weird way, features too big for his face, but he had the softest eyes and a mouth she she had irrationally wanted to touch the first time she had spoken to him, when he had come in to buy the book. She had tried to picture what kind of girl he was getting it for, someone with the same taste in novels as her, but likely richer and taller and blonder. Probably larger chested as well. It had been an initial flutter that was utterly stomped out by the realization of who he really was, but it didn't change the fact that something inside of her *tugged* restlessly when she caught sight of him. He hadn't flinched away or tried to hide that he was watching her, he nodded with a small sigh and then left. Just that, a few seconds of eye contact and she was thrown off. Maybe Poe sensed the change in her, he set down his own coffee and cleared his threat.

  
"I've decided to close the store," he said. It wasn't a surprise at all, but it hurt in a way Rey hadn't hurt in a long time. Her eyes burned.

Poe went on, "I'm going to run my rare book sales online, with my connections and collection, I will be totally fine for a while. I can pay you guys out for a full month after we close to help you figure out what's next."

  
It was unreasonably kind and absolutely not up for debate. This wasn't a meeting about their future, this was final. Rey's stomach had knotted when she saw Ben but it was like she was full of a thousand birds now. She started to cry, quietly, and Poe came to sit beside her.

  
"It's almost Christmas, we're going to get through the holidays and close sometimes after new year, I'm so sorry you guys."

  
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Finn said, putting his hand over Poe's. Poe found Finn's face and held his gaze for a long moment. Rey closed her eyes and thought about how this was the only real home she had ever had, the place she found her true self, and she let herself cry.

~~~

Rebel Books was always closed on Christmas day so that Rey could sleep over at Poe's and they could do a gift exchange but they stayed open late on Christmas eve for last minute shoppers.

 **Rebel Books** @rebelbooksnrecords  
We're open until midnight tonight! Come get all your last minute comics 40% off

It was just Rey working the closing shift, Christmas eve had brought more people into the store than she had seen all week but by 9:30 it had died down again. Rey put on Sufan Stevens Christmas album and let herself wander the aisles looking at books and remembering the years spent in this place.

Around 11:00 she heard the little bell ding. She walked up to the front of the store to greet the shopper and stopped dead. There was Ben Solo, in his classic dark black jeans and dark black peacoat, looking wind swept and pink cheeked and still so fucking sad.

"What are you doing here?" Rey asked, she had all this anger ready to snap but when she actually spoke it was softer than she meant it to be.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry," Ben said.

  
"Is this a joke?"

  
He shook his head.

  
"You should apologize to Poe, not me," she said.

  
"Not about the store closing, I mean not JUST about the store closing. About what I said to you at the party too, I was an asshole and you didn't deserve it."

  
Rey's heart was racing, she had the overwhelming desire to tell him it was fine and ask him if he wanted a cup of coffee but her pride was too prickly and it didn't matter how good his legs looked in those jeans, they weren't legs she was going to ever be that close to.

  
"You're not like, stalking me right. The coffee shop and then," she gestured to the window.  
Ben let out a little laugh, it was low and breathy.

  
"Rey I work across the street. The coffee shop was just a fluke, that place is a few blocks from my dad's."

  
"Okay," she said, unsure of what he was expecting. "I mean, it's not okay but thanks I guess?"

  
"You're talented, you'll find work I'm sure."

  
"I'm talented?" Rey asked acidity creeping back into her voice, "I don't really think that's tru and even so, you don't know me. It's not just about a job Ben this is my home. I lived on the streets for years, since I was really small. Just short periods of time in homes or houses, I ran away to America when I was 15 and Poe, this store, saved my life. I would be dead if I hadn't found it so yeah, I am sure someone will hire me to run food or work a cash register but that's not really the point."

  
His eyes again, so unbelievably sad she stopped speaking.

  
"I'll be fine," she told him, suddenly in a rush to reassure him.

She didn't usually give away that much personal information but it seemed to have slipped out before she could help it.

  
"Is that what you came here for? To say sorry?"

  
"Yes."

  
"Why?"

  
"Because I wanted to be your friend."

  
Rey felt the ground under her feet soften. It didn't sound like a line, nothing Ben had ever said, good or bad had ever sounded false. He seemed to have no filter.

  
"Oh," she whispered.

  
His teeth worked over his bottom lip.

  
"I uh, I got you something. I'd like you to open it after I leave though, if that's okay?"

He looked nervous, she was thrown off.

  
She nodded, curiosity getting the best of her. He placed a small present on the counter.

  
"Merry Christmas Rey," he said.

  
"Merry Christmas Ben," she said, all the anger had been sucked out of her by his confession. He pulled his shoulders up and turned, walking out of the store and leaving a strange silence behind him, despite the music still on a loop.

Gently, she unwrapped the package. Her heart went from racing to still when she saw what it was. It was THE book, the first edition copy of Frankenstein. Inside the book was a small piece of paper, there was a handwritten note, small letters in a spidery script.

For the girl, from the monster.  
Merry Christmas.  
-Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i'm so sorry this took so long, i lost someone very close to me in between the last chapter and this one and it's taken me some time to find the right voice for this again. I wrote a reylo one shot called Just Us and started another short reylo fic that are both much darker and more intense if you're interested in that. The response to this has been so amazing and it's only because of your comments that's I was able to continue this fic, and it really does make all the difference. If you want to see more of this pls let me know!


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is internet stalking Ben who's also internet stalking her.

  
Rey might have been internet stalking Ben Solo. She wasn't sure at what point causal creeping had become obsessive lurking, but it was sometime after he gave her the present and before they closed the doors to Rebel Books for good.

She told Finn and Poe about the gift he had given her and Poe had smiled wistfully and Finn had glared at her skeptically and said, "You're going to sell it right?"

Rey had no intention of selling it. She knew exactly how much she could get for it and although it would go a long way right now, the idea of parting with the book made her head hurt.

It was a first edition!

Closing down the shop was less stressful than watching it fail had been, and she understood Poe's reasoning behind cutting and running. If he waited for his sales to slowly tank he would be screwed, if he privately sold off the rest of his inventory near market price with little to no overhead, he could take his time figuring out what was next.

Rey began the tedious task of searching for another job. She dropped off resumes to all of the independent bookstores in Manhattan and part of Brooklyn.

There were not a tremendous amount of them left and the ones that did well like The Strand or Green Apple were very hard to get a job at. Most of the sales clerks had master degrees. She also applied to wait tables, tend bar and make coffee.

Poe has paid her a full months worth of wages which made the search less stressful, and Rey found that for the first time in her adult life she had a tremendous amount of freedom. She had always worked six days a week at Rebel Books, she had always been off on Wednesday's when she would do laundry, clean her tiny apartment, go grocery shopping and binge out on Netflix.

Since the store was closed on Wednesday it meant that occasionally she would see a movie with Finn or have coffee with Poe, but days off tended to be filled with chores.

Suddenly, she had wide stretches of time with little to do.

It was cold as hell, so she didn't spend much time outside (except when Poe made her go ice skating) but she had been writing every day, sketching outlines for the comics she wanted to make one day.

She was shit at drawing but ideas came easily to her, love stories and space battles and magic. She would find a small coffee shop, drop off an application, and sit down to write for a few hours.

She found she was incredibly productive, she was also reading, she had her nails done, she made long lists about what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. She had never considered doing something different, if he store hadn't closed Rey figured she would continue to work there until maybe Poe asked her to help run it.

Now, the world seemed huge and she felt like she was spinning a wheel without caring where it would take her. She thought about moving, she had so many places she wanted to see. Ben Solo posted pictures of Madrid and Barcelona, Athens and Mikanos, Shanghai and Hong Kong. It was intoxicating to look at. Here he was hiking in Peru, sweaty and tan and a little dirty. Here he was broad and freckled and shirtless on a boat in the Caribbean, a beer bottle in his hand and an easy look in his eyes. It made her jealous, but she also knew enough about herself to know that if she was in his position she would do the exact same thing.

She made mental notes of her favorite pictures, taking screenshots to remember where she wanted to visit. Only two of the pictures she saved were because they were pictures of Ben.

One was taken in London, outside of a gothic looking cathedral she had slept behind as a child. It must have been a candid shot, he had a cigarette in his hand and he was looking out at the structure with such love, such amazement.

It was clear that his appreciation for the architecture was immense, he looked awed. She had been awed by the structure as well, the first time she had seen it.

The other was a tagged photo, taken on his birthday last year by his mother. The caption read, "If my son wasn't an asshole I wouldn't really believe he was mine! Still, he's my favorite asshole in the galaxy. Happy birthday Ben."

Ben was well and truly smiling, it was not the sort of picture he would post of himself. Probably not the kind of picture he would allow anyone besides his mother to take. His eyes were bright and he looked so happy, Rey had never seen Ben Solo look happy. Content? Maybe. Miserable? Definitely. Swarthy? Sexy? Sure, all covered between their interactions and his Instagram page.

But he looked so delighted in this photo. He had commented and eye roll emoji but Rey could imagine his soft smile when he first saw it. She wondered what it would be like to have Leia Organa as a mother. She wasn't sure what it would be like to have anyone as a mother, but in that moment it felt like Ben had won a lottery.

She had been a fan of Leia's work for years. She tried to imagine living his life, having doting parents and easy money and plane tickets to anywhere in the world. When she tried to picture her life as Ben Solo, she couldn't. All she could see was her life *with* Ben Solo, talking to his mother about how long his hair was getting while he rolled his eyes or sharing a bottle of wine on a balcony in some exotic country.

She chided herself for thinking about it but also he bought her a $4,000 book! What was she supposed to think? Who did that?

Rey knew that the book had not originally been for her, he must have had someone else in mind when he bought it since they hadn't known each other, but he had chosen to give it to her instead, why? It made her head hurt. The worst thing she could do for her sanity right now was to sit there internet stalking Ben Solo.

  
It was a full 15 days before anyone called Rey back for an interview. It was the coffee shop around the corner from Rebel Books where she had gone often as a customer. They knew her well and liked her, she was always in early in the morning when she had to open the store so they trusted her work ethic. It was about as smooth of. transition as it could have been.

Rey learned how to make lattes and macchiatos and she learned words like breve and half-caf and her days started so ridiculously early now that she was off work by 1pm every day, Wednesday through Sunday. She had two days off now, and she also got tips.

It was only her third day working at Grind Haus when she saw him. It was bound to happen, she was just down the street from First Order now, and she hadn't been thinking about him when she applied, although she did as soon as she accepted the offer. He walked in without looking up from his phone. She wondered who he was texting, it it was his mom. Or if it was a girl.

He didn't notice her until he put his phone away as he stepped up to order. His eyes went wide and his mouth softened, lips parting slightly in surprise. He was so pale, dotted with moles and freckles like constellations. He always looked so cool in pictures but here now he looked a bit shaken up.

  
"Hi," he said.

  
"Hey..." Rey felt awkward, like somehow he knew that she had been creeping on his instagram. And also his mothers. "What can I get you?" she asked.

  
"Just a large dark roast," he said, shuffling his feet. "So you work here now?"

  
"This would be a super weird thing for me to do if I didn't," Rey said, but she smiled at him and her smile seemed to alleviate most of his nervous energy because he smiled at her for real and she felt the same little *tug* inside of her.

  
"I never got a chance to thank you," she said.

  
"Oh no, it's okay. Honestly I wanted you to have it. The only reason I bought it was because I saw the way you loved it and it made me want to want it the way you clearly did." His words came out in a rush. He went on. "And I do like it I mean, Frankenstein is great I just could tell if it was with you it would be really...loved. I'm Sorry if that's weird, I know it's-"

  
"No it's not, I love it." She did. She loved it in a way that felt huge. Pride told her not accept the gift just on price point alone but her heart would never let her part with such a treasure.  
"Really, thank you Ben."

  
He smiled again, nodding. She handed him his coffee and he said, "Well I will see you?" It was a question. She nodded as he left, she didn't get to see the moment he noticed what she wrote on his cup, but she smiled anyway.

"For the monster. From the girl."

~~~  
Ben hadn't noticed her note, in fact it was Hux who noticed her note when he set the coffee down in the back room of First Order.

"Who's calling you a monster now? What did you do?"

Ben didn't know how to explain away the idiotic grin on his face so he shooed Hux out of the office under the impression that he had sensitive tax files to look at. He ran his finger over then words and wondered how many times was too many times to go back to the coffee shop and quickly decided that two would be too many and he would just have to wait. It didn't mean he couldn't talk to her though.

 **kylo-ren**  
honestly my day could not be more boring.

She didn't respond to his message until 1:36pm. He figured that meant she was off work. So it was early mornings at the coffee shop. She was probably just getting off and jumping onto the app. He made a mental note.

 **raven** _  
i'd take boring right now. being back at work after not working is so depressing

 **kylo-ren**  
i feel that

 **raven** _  
have you ever traveled?

 **kylo-ren**  
yes, a bit

 **raven** _  
where is your favorite ?

 **kylo-ren**  
i don't know...it's not really about one spot for me it's about being able to wake up in a different world, travel to places that feel like another planet, knowing there is still something new and strange to uncover

 **raven** _  
wow that's beautiful. i'm so jealous, i wish i could travel

 **kylo-ren**  
have you ever?

 **raven** _  
no, i grew up very poor in London and then moved to America as a teenager. I haven't left New York.

Ben remembered Rey on Christmas eve, telling him that she had been homeless in London and then later here, after running away. He supposed "very poor" wasn't a lie any more than "illustrator" was a lie. It was the version of truth she was willing to give him. He felt gratified that she had given the real him so much more, even if she did it out of anger. He wanted to know the truth.

 **kylo-ren**  
where would you go?

 **raven** _  
spain, and greece. south america, the caribbean. everywhere i could tbh but that's the top of my list.

Ben felt his heart stutter, those were all places he had been. Recently. Was it possible she was creeping on his instagram? God he hoped so. He wanted to take her. They could leave tomorrow.

 **kylo-ren**  
I hope you get to go some day

 **raven** _  
i doubt it but hey, what's life without hope!

 **kylo-ren**  
keep that spark of hope alive, you never know

~~~  
Ben got up early the next day, he was out of the house before 8:00 and got to the coffee shop by quarter to nine. He came armed this time, he had his laptop and Waco tablet and plenty of work to justify spending a few hours in Grind Haus.

Rey was busy behind the counter, the morning sun made her hair lighter where it escaped from her messy bun. She was in plain jeans and a white shirt and she looked energetic and too bright to be contained in this space or any other. He badly wanted to draw her.

She smiled when she saw him come in, which was a major improvement. Baby steps, he told himself.

"Black coffee?" She asked him.

  
"Please," he said.

  
She poured him a cup and handed it to him.

  
"Is it okay if I stay and do some work?" He nodded at the empty tables by the window.

She gave him a look that clearly said she found his business distasteful but shrugged and said

"As long as you're not trying to close this place down too I think it's fine."

There was a playful smile on her lips but it still made his gut twist. It must have flashed traitorously in his eyes because she softened and said "Of course you can stay, I was just kidding."

  
"I know," he said and it was awkward for a moment. There was no one else in line behind him, only one other person in the shop.

  
"What are you working on?" She asked in a clear attempt to smooth over her last statement.

  
"Personal stuff actually, some drawings for my mother."

  
"I didn't know you drew," her eyes were lit up at the idea of it.

  
"Yeah if I had it my way it would be all I did. Just travel and draw."

  
She looked utterly wistful and he remembered her talking about Greece.

  
"I spent some time in Athens recently and I was able to study some of the Greek masters and sculptures. It was amazing."

  
"It sound amazing," she said, "I can't draw for shit or I'd be making my own comics".

  
"Do you write?" This was a surprise.

  
"Yeah, and a lot more lately. I have so many ideas."

  
"I'd love to see them, maybe I could do a couple of character sketches for you?"

  
"You would do that?" She asked, smiling wide.

  
"I would love to. Just bring some stuff with you tomorrow and I can stop by."

  
"Actually I'm off tomorrow," she said.

  
"Oh, well next time you're in. Or if you wanted to I mean, we could like, go do something? Get coffee somewhere that isn't here."

  
This was stupid, he sounded stupid.

  
"Sure," she said, and she grabbed his cup to scrawl something on it. Her number. He smiled stupidly and said, "It's a date."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow THANK YOU SO MUCH for all the love and the amazing response to this. I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. If you like it please tell me! If you wanna see dif stuff please tell me!!! This fandom is amazing.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben finally have coffee.

Rey kept telling herself that this wasn't a date. Despite what he said in the coffee shop, Ben Solo had come to her and asked to be her friend and this was a very small baby step in the direction of maybe being friends because she wasn't even sure that she wanted to be around him.

He had been such a dick at that party, and if Poe and Finn knew she was hanging out with him... She didn't know what they would do but she was sure it wouldn't be pretty.

Ben had single handedly put Poe out of business, it wasn't the kind of thing you forgot. She was still angry about it as well! She missed Rebel Books, she was homesick in a way she had never been for London or for anywhere and it was horrible. But, even so, she could appreciate the growth that came with changing your life around.

She felt older, more capable of taking care of herself, adaptable even. She thought again about moving. She could take a cheap flight to Los Angeles, she always wanted to see California. In her mind, it was cotton candy pink and blue with pastel waves and lines of palm trees. She wanted to see it desperately.

So no matter how nice Ben Solo's legs looked, or what ridiculous gifts he gave her, this was not a date.

~~~

"This isn't a date," Rey told Ben when he met up with her outside the coffee shop they had run into each other at in Brooklyn the next day around noon.

  
He smiled in a way that managed to be both cocky and charming.

  
"But are we friends yet?" he asked, pulling his coat up around his neck. It was midwinter, and still freezing cold outside

  
"Almost," Rey said, "We're getting there."

  
Ben smiled and said "I'll take it." He led her inside to a cozy booth.

  
"What do you want?"

  
"Coffee with sugar," she said. Ben went to get them coffees and she sat down, shedding her coat and rubbing her hands together.

She pulled out a few journals from her backpack full of ideas she wanted to show him. He came back with two cups of coffee and eyes the journals.

  
"So tell me about your idea," he said.

  
"Okay well, I have a lot of ideas to be honest, but this is the one I've been working on the longest. It's about a girl named Kira who is abandoned an alien world when she's a little girl and forced to work for an evil alien as a metal scavenger."

  
"Like an empirical overlord?" Ben asked.

  
"No way, a drunk, sloppy blue collar asshole. There is an oppressive government and a group of people trying to overthrow them, it's all in the notes."

  
She passed the journal and sipped her coffee while he read.

  
"This is very cool, I like the descriptions for the characters I can really see what's in your head. And the plot looks like it could be intriguing, this girl finding out she has some sort of superpower, jetting off across the galaxy to try and defend the weak. It hits all the marks. Would you mind if I did some character sketches?"

  
"Not at all."

She was thrilled with the idea.

  
"Can I borrow these?"

  
"Please, I'm excited to see what you do."

  
"So, how's the new job?"

Ben was trying to sound casual. Rey decided to level with him.

  
"Change has been better for me than I thought it would be, but I feel homesick in a way I never have before. I never really had anything to miss before now."

  
"You mentioned on Christmas Eve, you lived on the street as a kid?"

  
Rey nodded. She remembered well how she had overshared certain aspects of her childhood.

  
"Yeah I never knew my parents. I figure they must have been there until I was about five because I can kind of recall missing them, but I was found by social services when I was eight, sleeping behind a mall."

  
"I'm sorry," he said.

  
"Don't be, it's not your fault." Rey shrugged, she hated telling this story because people always looked so sad for her, and she didn't want to meet Ben's eyes because somehow they always seemed the saddest but when she did look up she saw something else in them, pride?

  
"I think you must be very strong, and you've built an amazing life for yourself despite all of that, and...despite me as well."

  
"I don't think what you did is on par with my parents abandoning me," she said.

  
"No I wasn't saying-"

  
"But thank you," she finished before he could backtrack. She liked that he was being forthcoming and apologetic and she didn't want to scare him off.

  
He smiled at her and then said "Do you know how to ice skate?"

They walked from the coffee shop up to Pospect Park. There was an ice rink in the park and Ben paid for their admission and she let him pay for skates too. It still wasn't a date, but she figured the rich boy could swing it.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for the skating type," she said as they pushed off onto the ice.

  
"I played hockey as a kid, until I was a teenager actually. Skating is one of my favorite things."

  
"Mine too. But not the hockey. I just like skating," she spun to face him so she could show off how well she skated backwards. He huffed a small laugh and pushed to give chase, she spun and skated ahead of him.

He was fast and strong on the ice and she didn't need to hold back. The cold wind whipped her face but since it was midday on a Monday they had the rink almost to themselves.

He kept pace with her, playfully cutting in front of her around corners, clearly judging she was good enough to dodge and avoid crashing into him and she was. It was exhilarating. When she skated with Poe they pushed lazily across the ice, talking and doing small turns. With Ben she was competitive and excited. When they finally stopped to rest his face was delightfully pink, eyes bright and ears red. She wanted to touch his ears. She absolutely did not.

  
"You're good," he said.

  
"So are you. Not just with the skates, I mean this was really nice. I didn't peg Ben Solo as nice."

  
"I didn't really give you much to work with," he said. "Let's get hot chocolate?"

  
Rey insisted on paying for this at least and he let her. They turned in their skates and walked close together, holding the styrofoam cups for warmth. When they got back down to the subway she stopped to look at him.

  
"I had fun," she said.

  
"So are we friends now?" He asked, a playful smile on his lips and a spark in his eyes.

  
"Friends," she agreed. "I'll see you around Solo."

  
She didn't hug him, it felt like she was in some kind of not-date limbo, but she gave him a small wink as she took of down the stairs to train and the last thing she saw before she got underground was his easy smile and sparkling eyes.

Rey's head was spinning by the time she got onto the train. She had meant it, she did have fun with Ben Solo. But the more she thought about it, the more it didn't seem like a good thing. What was she thinking was going to happen? Ben was being nice to her and he probably wanted to fuck her. It occurred to her that she might be an excellent challenge.

It would be rewarding for him to pull the girl  
who hated him so recently. She considered if she wanted to have sex with him anyway. She allowed herself to think about what those powerful legs would look like naked, how his large hands would be able to span her rib cage. He would be fun to fuck. But she remembered his eyes, how they seemed to suck the air from her chest or make her want to apologize or please him and she felt a shiver on the back her neck at the intensity.

She wasn't sure she could handle having sex with Ben if he was going to look at her like that and then jet off to Indonesia the next week. The idea of it made her stomach turn. What could be possibly want with her in the real world? She was nothing, she was a barista, she made his coffee and he traveled the world. It was absolutely idiotic to fall for someone like him.

Even if it they had chemistry, they were from different worlds. What could she possibly have to offer Ben Solo? By the time she got back home the joy she had felt while skating with Ben had soured into something uncomfortable. Angry and jealous and resigned to never having the kind of life that he unwittingly dangled in front of her.

It was too big to wrap her head around, the idea of fitting into Ben Solo's life. She was never going to be able to do it. Suddenly her apartment felt small in a way it never had before. She opened up her laptop and began looking at plane tickets to California.

  
~~~

Ben hadn't been in such a good mood in years. He couldn't keep the smile off of his face as he headed back to his loft. He couldn't help the quick text he sent to Rey either.

 **To Rey** :  
i had a lot of fun with you, thank you for letting me look at your stuff.

 **From Rey:**  
i had fun too, and seriously thank you for looking at it. i can't wait to see what you come up with

 **To Rey** :  
i'll bring some sketches by when you're back at work on wed?

 **From Rey** :  
sounds good

 **To Rey** :  
:)

He pocketed his phone again, body buzzing. He couldn't wait to draw for her, he hadn't been this eager to get started on a project in years.

When he got home he spread out supplies, graphite and charcoal and inks and papers, and began drawing immediately. It was a total excuse to draw Rey. He wanted Kira to look like her, so he shamelessly flipped through her Instagram and worked on capturing her eyes, the curve of her jaw, the shape of her lips. When he thought he had a handle on the specifics he began to flesh out a character, a young girl in an alien desert, clothing the color of sand, haughty stance and determined eyes. He sketched what he thought she must have looked like as a child, and he sketched her tired after a days work and laughing at the wheel of a space ship. He sketched her laying down naked in bed too, but he felt bad about that one so he tossed it into his fireplace after committing it to memory. He began to ink in some of the sketches when his phone buzzed. He looked to see if it was a text from Rey and his brows drew up when he realized it was raven_ instead. His heart did a complicated move.

 **raven** _  
are you rich?

Ben was thrown off by this. He was already worried that his honesty was making the similarities between Ben and kylo-ren too obvious.

 **kylo-ren**  
i do okay, nothing crazy though

 **raven** _  
so you have to work and stuff?

 **kylo-ren**  
if i didn't work, i wouldn't have any money

This wasn't actually a lie, if he left First Order he was cut off, he knew that well enough. She didn't need to know exactly what he meant. It wasn't actually a lie but it felt more like a lie than anything he had said so far and he hated it.

 **raven** _  
it suckssss lol

 **raven** _  
do you have a girlfriend? is that why you didn't want to meet me?

Ben's heart was racing. Why was she doing this? He was sure that she didn't know who he really was, but if she had as much fun with him as he had with her, why was she messaging kylo-ren? Why was she picking now to be upset about him standing her up.

 **kylo-ren**  
i promise you that isn't it at all, i don't have a girlfriend. why? are you seeing someone now?

It was a strange moment, looking at the question and at her username and hoping that she would tell him yes, there was somehow else now.

 **raven** _  
no not at all

Oh. He didn't know what he had expected but it wasn't this.

 **raven** _  
honestly i can't think of a single reason to stay in new york. have you been to california? i think i'm going to move there.

Ben could hear the blood in his ears. He put his phone down and stared at the wall. He really thought that she had fun with him. He thought that she was adjusting to the change and enjoying his company. She had to know he was crazy about her right?

 **kylo-ren**  
lmao is your new job that bad ?

He was trying to keep it light, trying to joke but he felt heavy headed and stupid.

 **raven** _  
it's whatever, but that's kind of my whole life. whatever. i just want something more i want to be able to travel and i want to go to the beach and to the mountains and i don't know. i started thinking tonight about how i was never going to get out of new york, i was never going to have the kind of life i really wanted it and i don't know if i can stand that. sorry if this sounds ridiculous i'm just... i think i just realized i want more than i've been given and i feel selfish and bad but i don't wanna die in this fucking city. there isn't anything here for me anymore.

Ben looked down at the drawings he had done of Rey and had to close his eyes.

 **kylo-ren**  
i understand, you should do whatever makes you happy

 **raven** _  
at least i will still have you ❤️

**kylo-ren**

always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW thank you guys so much for your love on this story. Your comments are 100% of the reason I wrote three chapters in three days. I can't tell you how much it means to me. Please continue to leave comments and kudos. I love this fandom so much. Ya'll have saved me lately.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is having a crisis so she gets drunk about it and somehow she ends up on a real date with Ben.

It was possible that Rey was having an identity crisis. She felt unhinged in a way  
she never had before, but she wasn't sure it was a bad thing. She was high on the idea of moving out of New York. She did the math and figured it would take her three months to get everything together to go. She would need to put away everything she made and have a lead on an apartment before she got there. She just had to figure out how to break the news to Poe. Her shift was almost over and the heat from inside the coffee shop had fogged up the windows, so when Ben came through the door it took her by surprise. He was tall and dark and pink cheeked and she realized she was staring but she couldn't bring herself to care.

  
"Did you come bearing gifts?"

  
"You know I did," he smiled.

  
"I'm off in ten if you can wait for me?"

  
"Of course."

  
She gave him a cup of coffee (on the house) and watched him settle into a corner booth. He shrugged off his coat and she watched the way the muscles in his arms strained through his plain black tee shirt. What did he do to get so buff? Weren't comic book loving artists supposed to be dorky? He was a little dorky but he was also just so...big. Rey felt the same little *tug* in her stomach and snapped her eyes away. No ogling unattainable assholes during work, she could save that for her free time. She reminded herself that her crush on Ben Solo was stupid before closing out her register and counting out her tips.

When she was finally finished, she slid into the booth across from Ben and handed him a fresh cup of coffee. His smile was crooked and radiant. He slid a folder toward her, and she realized her hands were trembling as she opened it. She felt the bottom of her stomach disappear in the same instant her heart rate tripled. These weren't just character sketches, these were masterpieces. Each one was rendered so carefully, the color pallets so simple yet intricate, and her face on all of them. Entire worlds blooming behind her.

  
"Ben..." his name was a whisper.

  
"Do you like them?" He was nervous.

  
"Oh my god...more than anything. I can't believe you made these, I look... She looks amazing." Rey felt her eyes sting. Her heart was a black hole, it was ready to swallow Ben up.

  
"Thank you," her voice was reverent.

  
"Of course, I loved drawing these. I would love to work with you for real, if you wanted."

  
Rey was nodding before she could think about it. She thought about her plan to go to California, wanted to tell him but couldn't bring herself to say the words. He didn't need to know, even if they did collaborate on a project, it's not like that was an entire reason to stay. And she had already promised herself she wasn't going to daydream about a life with Ben Solo when it was never going to happen.  
"I'm off tomorrow, can you meet me?" She asked him anyway. "We can do an outline?"  
"I can't wait," he said and he looked so happy Rey felt her black hole heart splinter into a billion pieces and thought she might float away.

  
Seeing Ben had put Rey into a weird mood. She felt like she was full of adrenaline but she didn't understand why or how to come down. She had never had feelings like this, never this kind of urgency. She still couldn't figure out what she had done to win Ben Solo's favor but it was clear that she had it and she didn't know what to do. Part of her was angry with him, part of her disgusted with what he did for a living, part of her was ravenously jealous of his lifestyle, and part of her kept seeing herself asleep in his arms, head on his broad chest, lazy Sunday mornings spent talking in whispers. All of her emotions were too close to the surface, she felt like she was buzzing with each of them. And still, somehow, at the back of her mind was kylo-ren. Why? Why make this more complicated.

She walked to her fridge and pulled out a bottle of wine which she proceeded to drink directly from the bottle.

She was pacing around her apartment, trying to get a handle on what the fuck was happening in her head. She put on Placebo and turned it up loud, she didn't care if the neighbors complained.

The truth was that kylo-ren had been this constant in her life for years, he had a way of calming her down when she was losing her shit, he never failed to make her laugh, he asked her advice and opinions on everything, no matter how stupid it seemed. She could tell that he valued her as a person, and it was real because it wasn't about her looks or the fact that she was there and attainable. Her relationship with kylo-ren was about the rawest kind of connection, and even though it lacked every other aspect a relationship needed like physical chemistry, proximity, and actually wanting to see each other, she couldn't imagine giving it up. She had been okay with not meeting him, but there was something about Ben Solo that seemed to push her back toward kylo-ren. Maybe it was the fact that she felt like she had given so much of herself to a stranger online and he wanted nothing to do with her, but a man in her life who had she given nothing to was willing to go to great lengths to hang out with her. Why? It didn't make any sense. Again she asked herself, what the hell could she offer Ben Solo, and why the hell someone who claimed to care about her wouldn't want to spend time with her in real life.

She was almost halfway through the bottle, Pure Morning blasted from her speakers. She put it back in the fridge. She had promised Poe she would meet up with him tonight for drinks since she didn't have to work in the morning. She ruffled through her clothes until she found clean jeans and a dark green top that wasn't too wrinkled. She had to apply her mascara twice because she was wobbling, but she got out the door looking half decent and only ten minutes behind schedule.

The bar was dark but clean and quieter than Rey expected. Poe had two martinis waiting when she sat down.

  
"Sorry, trains," she said by way of explanation and he squinted at her.

  
"Did you get a little head start there kiddo?"

  
"Yes. I've had a weird day."

  
"Wanna talk about it?"

Once Rey started she couldn't stop, she talked about Ben and the book and ice skating and the drawings. She talked about feeling a strange connection to kylo-ren and wondering why she wasn't good enough. She talked about how unrealistic a relationship with Ben Solo would be. She drank two martinis.

  
"I don't understand- I don't, why is he doing this?" She asked, she could hear her words slurring.

  
"Honey, maybe he just likes you?" Poe said softly.

  
"Oh come on, why-"

  
"Rey, you're smart and you're charming and you're beautiful, you don't take shit from anyone, you've always stood up to him and you're a powerhouse of creativity. Of course he likes you, maybe you just don't want to give him a chance to get to know you better, maybe you're holding a part of yourself back because you don't want him to have it. Why is that?"

Rey was dizzy, why was Poe saying this? He was supposed to tell her that Ben Solo was the worst. She couldn't deal with this.

"I think I'm going to move to California."

  
"You're drunk," Poe said.

  
"No Poe, I've been seriously thinking... I think I need to go be someone else for a while. I don't think I can do any more growing here."

  
Poe's face was soft, he took her hand.

  
"Whatever you wanna do, I support you. But I'd take a careful look at what exactly it is you're running from, if I were you."

  
For the second time in one day, Rey felt her eyes sting.

It was after 2am when she finally got home, she flopped onto her bed and flipped open her laptop. She was truly wasted, the room around her spinning.

  
**raven** _  
why didt you come to meet me ???

She wasn't sure he would be awake, but he responded almost instantly.

 **kylo-ren**  
because i'm an idiot

 **raven** _  
i feel like i am too, this is probly crazy but i feel like you and i are supposed to meeet, i feel like i'm supposed to know you and it feels wrong that i don't.

 **kylo-ren**  
you're not crazy, i feel it too.  
i am out of the country right now, but i'll be back in about a week. i promise you i will come see you. are you okay?

 **raven** _  
idk im drunk. i'm fine tho just i hope yr serious

 **kylo-ren**  
i swear to you. you mean a lot to me. just be safe okay?

 **raven** _  
okay ya,

 **raven** _  
promise right?

 **kylo-ren**  
i promise.

Rey woke up feeling like absolute shit. She was eternally grateful she didn't have to work. She got up slowly, made coffee, and did a mental inventory. She had sent kylo-ren some drunk messages, but it could have been worse. She had managed to get home with her phone, keys and wallet. That was a win.

She tried not to feel embarrassed as she showered, and she didn't really. She hoped he was serious about meeting her, it seemed worth exploring even if it meant possibly losing whatever it was they had now. She was willing. She thought about Poe's words too, the almost pitying look in his eye when he tried to tell her that Ben just...liked her. No one knew more than Poe how hard it was for Rey to accept affection. She had been deprived of it for most of her life and she never knew how to handle it. Part of what she liked about kylo-ren was the safety of it, the idea of throwing that away was scary but thrilling. Maybe Ben did like her? What did that mean? Her headache was pounding. She was supposed to meet Ben later to do an outline.

She towel dried her hair and opened her closet. It was still freezing out, but something inside of her urged her to dress up more than she normally did and she took a moment to acknowledge where that thought came from before giving in to it. She pulled on dark black tights and cream colored shift dress with a black Wednesday Addams collar. She put in black doc martins and let her hair dry in loose curls as she texted ben.

 **To Ben** :  
still wanna hang out w me?

 **From Ben** :  
definitely, where do you wanna meet up?

 **To Ben** :  
can you meet me on the lower east side? i want to look at bedroom sets at ABC carpet.

 **From Ben** :  
a carpet store? really?

 **To Ben** :  
just trust me lol. 3:30 good?

 **From Ben** :  
perfect

  
Rey definitely put more effort into her appearance for this not-date than the last. She was trying not to think about it too much. Ben was standing outside of ABC Carpet, rubbing his hands together for warmth. He was in all black with a sleek black backpack slung over his shoulder. He smiled when he saw her and ushered her inside. Rey stopped to take her coat off and turned to face him again.

  
He was staring. His face was soft and open as he watched her, eyes dragging from hers down to her feet and back up her body.

  
"You're beautiful," he said in that no-filter kind of way. It wasn't him telling her she looked beautiful it was him telling her she *was* beautiful.

  
"Thanks," she said, and she felt her cheeks get hot.

  
"This place is...not what I expected." He took in the giant warehouse space, every inch of the floor space was taken by vendors selling handmade trinkets, small ornate woodcrafts, delicate stationary sets, string lights made from found glass.

  
"This is my favorite place," she said, and wandered over to a corner full of expensive, hand made children's toys. They walked along quietly, examining delicate music boxes and small ecosystems contained in glass. Ben looked huge among the tiny accessories and Rey bit back on the flush that crept up again. She couldn't stop thinking about what those arms would feel like around her. What was wrong with her?

Ben's fingers traced the workings of an exposed metal clock. They were huge and pale and his hands were dotted with freckles.

"Come on," she whispered, "let me show you upstairs."

They took the elevator to the next floor, and then the floor after that, and the one after that. Each was as big as the last and a completely unique experience. Some were full of soft pastel colored bed sets, some bad dark victorian looking furniture, one had a room entirely of mirrors that felt like a submarine. She and Ben ran their fingers over silk and satin and velvet and cotton. He ducked down to avoid hitting his head on a chandelier as large and twisting as a tree. They spun the knobs on antique dressers, chased each other in and out of the mini worlds contained inside the warehouse. Outside the giant windows the sky has darkened to ink.

"I'm starving," Rey said after more than an hour of exploring.

"Me too, lets eat," Ben said as he shrugged his coat back on.

The air outside was freezing, it hit Rey like a slap to the face. She stood for a moment just breathing, and then Ben's hand was on her back and he was leading her down Broadway and into a small Italian restaurant. The smell of pasta sauce and garlic bread made her mouth water. Ben took her coat and handed it to the hostess, and they were ushered to a quiet table at the back.

This was definitely a date spot. Rey was definitely dressed for a date. Ben was looking at her like she was a small miracle. Everything about him was a contrast of intensity and softness. He was beautiful. Her heart hurt. She could feel how this was bigger than she meant it to be, bigger than she wanted it to be. She allowed herself to lean into it.

"Do you like your job?" She asked.

  
"I hate it," Ben said without hesitation.

He said it like it was fact, like it was simple.

  
"Then why do you do it?" She was surprised.  
Ben looked thoughtful, like he was searching for the right words. Just at that moment the waiter came over and Ben ordered them a bottle of wine.

  
"It's complicated. I'm very luck to have the opportunities that I have, and my lifestyle is...wonderful."

  
"I know, I've seen your instagram," Rey said.

  
"Aw, you creeping on me?"

  
"A little," she shrugged and smiled playfully.

  
"Basically, as long as I keep my head down and stay active with the board meetings, I get to own a third of the company. It's been an incredibly sweet deal, until recently."

  
"What happened recently?" Rey took a sip from the wine the waiter brought, it was thick and sweet and so much better than the $10 bottles she was used to.

  
"They gave me a store. I think they meant it as a kindness, they know I love comic books."

  
"But..." Rey wasn't sure where this was going.

  
"But I hate it. I hated watching you go out of business, I hate being on this end of something soulless and corporate. It's been terrible. I didn't mind it when I was watching from a distance, I knew there was always going to be collateral damage and I didn't care when I didn't have to deal with it, which I know is selfish but it's true."

  
Rey was speechless. This was the last thing that she expected.

  
"Wow. So I mean, what are you going to do?"

  
"I have no idea. I don't have much of an out here, my father has made it very clear to me that if I leave this company I am on my own, and while I might be able to pull side money doing graphic design, I'm not willing to give up my entire lifestyle."

  
Again it was brutally honest and not the easiest thing to hear.

  
"What would you do if you could?" Rey asked.  
He looked at her and his face softened.

  
"Travel, visit every corner of the world. Draw the way the light looks different in Peru and Alaska. Make comic books, run a small press publishing company."

  
"And you, you really can't leave?"

  
"I can always leave, but I'm too selfish for that. It makes me a monster, I know."

  
"You're not a monster," Rey whispered.

She remembered the book and her heart tightened. She could see now why he had done it, that maybe it *had* always been for her, had been his way of saying sorry. She opened her mouth but the waiter was back and she was glad, she almost said something stupid. Ben ordered pasta, she ordered chicken and when the waiter walked away the strange spell had been broken.

"I'm a fan of your mother," Rey said with a smile. "It's hard to imagine she wouldn't be sympathetic toward you."

  
Ben smiled fondly.

  
"She's tougher than her writing lets on."

  
Rey had read all of Leia Organa's books, personal essays about her childhood in Los Angeles, the daughter of a movie star. She was raw and hilarious and occasionally wrote embarrassing stories about Ben and her ex husband Han.

  
"Still, it can't be good to live a double life like that. All of that guilt, it will eat you alive."

  
His eyes were dark and serious when he said, "I know."

The food came and it was ridiculously delicious, Rey had to keep from moaning out loud at the first bite.

  
"What about you?" Ben asked, "What would you do if you could."

  
"The same, honestly. Travel, write, make comics, find cool artists to collaborate with, create a line of comics geared at younger kids to help bring them into the genre. Write short stories and screenplays and poetry. See every continent on the globe."

  
Ben was smiling at her wistfully.

  
"Maybe one day I could take you," he said.

  
"Where?" She whispered.

  
"Everywhere."

 

 

They finished dinner and an entire bottle of wine, they talked about lighter things, their favorite books and comics. Rey was shocked to find out that Ben was almost as into Harry Potter as she was.

  
"Okay but what house are you in?" She asked, giggling into her wine.

  
"Slytherin, please." He said with a haughty look.

  
"Same!" She said with a laugh.

  
"No way, you don't think you're a Gryffindor?"

  
"Fuck no! Life isn't fun when you play by all those rules."

  
Ben looked proud and appreciative.

  
"Okay, what about marvel characters?"

  
"Tony is a Slytherin, Captain America is such a Gryffindor."

  
"Right?" Ben agreed, "Spider-man is hufflepuff."

  
"Yeah, ugh Peter is adurable," Rey agreed.

  
"You're fun," she said.

  
"Thanks?" Ben said, smiling and crinkling his eyes.

  
"I just mean, I don't know what I mean. I guess you just continue to surprise me."

  
He looked sad suddenly, although she couldn't imagine what she had said that would make him sad. He paid for dinner and she didn't fight, maybe it was the wine but this did feel like a date. She was hoping it was.

"I'm calling you a car, it's cold and you're drunk."

  
"Sure sure," Rey said, tipping her head back to drink in the fresh air. She gave ben her address and it was only a minute before the uber pulled up.

  
"I had so much fun," he said, "but uh, we didn't get to the outlining did we?"

  
"I guess you'll just have to hang out with me again," Rey said, playfully patting his chest.

  
Ben tucked a loose curl back behind her ear.

  
"I can't wait," he said, and opened the car door for her. Rey stood for a moment, wasn't he going to kiss her? This seemed like a good time for a kiss, but he had put distance between them so she slid into the car.

  
"I'll see you soon?" He asked.

  
"I hope so, Solo."

  
He smiled and closed the door, tapping on the side as the car pulled away. Rey tried not to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. Why hadn't he kissed her? Why did she want him to so badly. It was too much to think about after such a good night and good food and good wine. She closed her eyes and let the driver take her home.

~~~

Ben's heart was racing. He was no where near his apartment in Williamsburg but he started walking instead of getting into a car or taking the train. He couldn't be contained right now. This feeling was almost raw anger, but deeper, more pinpointed and less nebulous. He wanted to kiss Rey so badly, she clearly would have let him, but he couldn't do it while he was lying to her, it felt wrong. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right. He had to tell her, soon, very soon. He had something else he had to do as well.

 **To Mom** :  
Where are you right now, could we talk tomorrow?

 **From Mom** :  
You okay? Are you in trouble? I swear to God Ben...

 **To Mom** :  
Not that kind of trouble I promise. I just need to talk to you.

 **From Mom** :  
I'm in Vermont, do I need to come to New York?

 **From Ben** :  
Vermont sounds beautiful, I can meet you there.

 **From Mom** :  
Do I need to be worried?

Maybe she did need to be worried, but he wasn't going to tell her that over the phone.

 **To Mom** :  
No, I actually think I have things figured out. I'll see you tomorrow.

Ben pocketed his phone and kept walking, he had a lot of thoughts to get in order if he was really going to do this, if he was really going to quit. He had to be sure of it, more sure than he had ever been about anything. He thought about Rey, about taking her to Greece and Spain and Africa and his resolve solidified. Even if it meant saving up for a year to do it, even if it meant staying in New York most of the time.

He was sure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH this is almost over! Just two more chapters left! I don't know what I'm going to do after this so pls add me on tumblr and send me prompts! Your comments have pulled me out of such a dark time in my life, grief is so strange and I am so thankful for this community. Please let me know what you think of this chapter and what you hope happens/doesn't happen in the next one!! Thank you all for sticking with me :)


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look, this was never going to go well.

Ben booked the first flight he could find to Vermont, it left early in the morning so he only clocked a few hours of sleep but he felt he was lucky to get even that, he had never been this anxious in his entire life.

Vermont was beautiful, and his mother was spending two weeks at her beautiful lakefront cottage.

When he walked in, she was having coffee with Toni Morrison.

Ben blinked back his surprise.

  
"Well if it isn't my darling spawn, what brings you to my peace and quiet?"

  
"Hi mom," Ben said, "Hi Miss Morrison, I don't think we've met."

  
He extended his hand to the older of the two women, a little bit flustered.

  
"I hope I'm not interrupting," he said.

  
"You are but I don't mind," Leia said, pouring him a cup of coffee.

  
"Please, sit, and call me Toni. I have heard a lot about you from your mother."

  
"That's worrisome," Ben said with a smile as he sat down at the table. The entire cottage was utterly charming, eclectic floral ceramic jars lined the kitchen, the early afternoon light was bright and clean along the pure white and old wood.

  
They exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes, catching up and talking about books and New York in the winter and work. Toni stood up after a while and excused herself to the back room to make a phone call.

  
"Wanna go for a walk?" Leia asked. Ben nodded, he needed to be able to pace while he had this conversation. They grabbed coats and hats and gloves and began to walk along the edge of the mostly frozen lake.

"So, I know you didn't fly up here just to talk about the weather. What's going on kiddo?"

Ben took a deep breath.

  
"I don't want to work for the company anymore." It wasn't what he planned on leading with, but it was what came out. Leia nodded, calm as always.

  
"Any particular reason?"

  
"I just, it's not the right thing for me mom. I didn't mind it so much behind the scenes but being on the front line has made the whole thing very real for me."

  
"What, working?" Leia said with a smile. Ben laughed.

  
"Contributing to the downfall of independent bookstores, watching an industry that I love crumble. Watching people suffer because of it."

  
"People, huh?" Leia said with a smile. "What's her name?"

  
Ben stopped walking, wide eyes on his  
mother.

  
"Oh come on Benjamin, I know you. This decision isn't particularly surprising, you've always been a bleeding heart but I figure there's a catalyst here."

  
Ben smiled, "Her name is Rey."

  
Leia nodded knowingly.

  
"Did Rey ask you to do this?"

  
"No, she has no idea. I'm not even sure if she likes me honestly, I mean...I put her out of business." Ben winced.

  
"Tough draw kid." Leia bumped up against him affectionately. The top of her bun barely came up to his shoulder.

  
"What if I say you can go back to behind the scenes, you won't have to open new spots. Show up at board meetings and scout new content."

  
It was everything Ben had been wishing for before Christmas. It wasn't at all what he wanted now.

  
"I want do something real, mom. I want to start a small press that fosters youth voices, I want to help kids break into the game. I want to draw, I want to create things and I want to travel. I don't want to contribute to something where I'm the only who really benefits. Where there is so much real collateral damage. I want to use my position of power to make a difference."

  
"Well it's hard to say no to that, isn't it?" Leia said, but her face was open and soft.

  
"I know dad has always said that if I leave I'm on my own and I think I'm at a point where I'm okay with it."

  
"Ben please, I love you and your intentions are great but you wouldn't know the first thing about living on a regular wage."

  
Ben's pride was wounded, he opened his mouth to argue.

  
"Don't fight me, just listen. You're not going to be on your own, your father and I have seen this coming since you were a teenager. We're not going to drop you because you don't want to work for the family business, this isn't Citizen Kane. We just wanted you to understand the business and we always wanted you to have options. Your father was worried if he let you leave you would wander aimlessly and rack up credit card debt, but you're an adult Ben and we trust you. Plus, those shares are yours and if you want to cash out no one is going to stop you."

  
Ben was stunned into silence. He stopped walking.

  
"You-you mean it? I can cash out my shares... I mean that's..."

  
"Yeah, congratulations you're now richer than god. I recommend getting a cottage, it's been great for me."

  
"Mom," Ben whispered, "You're serious?"

  
"Go teach drawing lessons to kids, take your girlfriend to Mexico, publish poetry zines for the women fighting in Syria, you don't need to rot away doing what your father loves. We just want you to be happy."

  
"I love you," Ben said and he god did he mean it.

  
"I know," Leia put a hand on his cheek. "But since you're here, there are boxes in the attic I need moved and the car needs oil and the bathroom pipe is leaking."

  
Ben laughed, "Sure mom, whatever you need."

Ben spent the rest of the day and that night at his mothers cottage, he helped fix what needed fixing and she made him dinner and he beat Toni Morrison at scrabble, which he immediately tweeted about.

 **Ben Solo** @BenSoloIRL  
  
i can't believe i just beat @ToniMorrison at scrabble ?? def can believe i beat @MissLeiaO tho bc i always do :))

It was the most relaxed he had been in years. As he was falling asleep on the couch in the living room that night (Toni got the guest room) he let his thoughts drift back to Rey. He was sure now that she liked him, the real him, not just kylo-ren. He wasn't sure she still would when she found out he'd been lying. He tried to imagine what would have happened if he had just confessed to her that first time, when he showed up for their date. If it had been a week earlier it wouldn't have mattered. But she hated him, she had spent the entire day dragging on him twitter for gods sake! He couldn't have told her then. He tried to picture all of the moments he could have told her, when he brought her the book, when they were ice skating, during dinner last night. He was a coward.

He wanted to be sure that she liked him, if he was being honest, he wanted to see if she would give the real him a chance because if she didn't, he didn't want to lose her completely. He would have settled for just having her there to talk to through tumblr, as selfish as it was. He knew he had to tell her now, he couldn't stand another meeting with this between them. It was now or never, he just had to figure out how.

  
~~~  
Ben woke up with the sun. He put coffee on and jumped into a shower. When he got out both women were up and milling about the kitchen. Ben went and got his phone from where he had plugged it in. There was one text from Rey, up early for work at the coffee shop.

 **From Rey** :  
are you kidding about playing scrabble w Toni Morrison??

Ben laughed, he walked into the kitchen and flipped the camera on his phone for a selfie.  
"Say cheese ladies," he said, and both women came to stand beside him. Ben had to lean real, real low, but he snapped a shot of all three of their faces. He texted it to Rey.

 **From Rey** :  
lmao wow okay i am jealous. where are you??

 **To Rey** :  
vermont, it was a last minute thing. i was thinking a lot about what we talked about at dinner, figured it was time to talk to my mom.

 **From Rey** :  
wow rly? how's that going?

 **To Rey** :  
better than i could have hoped. promise i'll fill you in when i get back

 **From Rey** :  
is that gonna be soon or ?

 **To Rey** :  
aww, you miss me.

 **From Rey** :  
whatever, maybe a little. it's just cos you look cute in that picture by the way, unfair move.

Ben felt his face flush.  
  
**To Rey** :  
is that all it takes?! god and i went and bought you a rare book, shows what i know about women

 **From Rey** :  
lololol okay i have to work, i'm already behind

 **To Rey** :  
i'll try not to distract you w sexy selfies. no promises tho

 **From Rey** :  
omg bye

Ben was smiling like an idiot. He didn't care. He poured himself more coffee and let this small peace consume him.

~~~  
Rey kind of missed Ben Solo. She had a stupid grin on her face all through her shift because of that (seriously) adorable photo and she didn't try to stop her mind this time when she thought about being in Vermont with Ben, with his mother, with her amazing writer friends. She couldn't snap out of it.

Every time she let her mind wander she saw the corded muscles of his arms, the way his eyes seemed to stare right into her, under her skin, his hands on her skin, what he would look like when he came inside of her.

"Ma'am? My coffee?"

  
"Right! Sorry," Rey blushed as she handed an elderly woman her latte.

She needed to not do this at work, she felt like a teenager. She couldn't stop thinking about him. She wanted him to be back from Vermont already. She wanted him to finally kiss her, to pin her against a wall with his body. She was distracted as she closed out, pulling her coat tight around her. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and hoped Ben was serious about sending her more selfies. She pulled it out to look and was surprised to see that it was from kylo-ren and not Ben. When was the last time she talked to him? It had been a few days, longer than normal. She really had been distracted.

 **kylo-ren**  
i'm back in the city, still want to meet me?

She didn't hesistate.

 **raven** _  
yes. when and where ?

 **kylo-ren**  
how about tomorrow, around 2:30? can you meet me in central park?

 **raven** _  
yes, where?

 **kylo-ren**  
miner's gate, east 79th by the first bridge. i'll be reading harry potter this time ;)

 **raven** _  
wow yes, we're really doing this

 **kylo-ren**  
you still want to, right?

Rey thought about it. She thought about Ben, she tried to imagine having this feeling for anyone else. If it was going to be anyone else, it would be kylo-ren.

 **raven** _  
i can't wait.

 

When the next day finally rolled around Rey felt weird about meeting kylo-ren after being so excited about Ben. She had no idea what to expect, but she had to acknowledge that both men were similar. Both into comics, both artists. Maybe she did have a type after all. She frowned. She had this sneaking suspicion that no one would be able to live up to this idea in her head, this idea of someone perfect who was starting to look a lot more like Ben Solo. Why was this so complicated? She didn't owe kylo-ren anything. She didn't owe Ben Solo anything either.

She was unreasonably nervous. There were two ways this could go and she wasn't sure what was worse. Either she and kylo-ren didn't hit it off at all, and it was awkward, and she lost this amazing presence that had been a constant in her life for years, or it went amazing, and she would want to give it a real shot which meant saying goodbye to Ben Solo, with his wild dreams and his drawings of her and his ridiculous legs. She didn't see how she could keep both. She felt sick. Maybe this was a bad idea.  
She shuffled through her closet for something to wear. She settled on dark jeans and black long sleeve top. They were going to meet outside anyway, so she pulled on he coat and gloves and a soft beanie.

She could not get her heart to slow down all the way to the park. Why did she have such a bad feeling about this? This was a good thing right?

She almost didn't go into the park, some voice in her head or deep in gut was warning her that something was wrong, this wasn't going to go the way she thought it was. She reminded herself that this had been her idea, that she had pushed him to meet her. She took a few minutes to try and slow her heartbeat and then headed into the park.

She saw a figure sitting on the stone bridge, all in black, reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and she had to close her eyes and shake her head. It's not that he looked like Ben Solo. He was Ben Solo.

"Ben..." She said, and her voice sounded strange, too high. The air was suddenly warm around her, she couldn't get enough into her lungs. He put the book down and walked toward her the way you walk towards a frightened animal.

"Rey, listen," he said.

  
"No," she took a step back. "Ben what is going on."

  
"It's me, Rey. It's always been me. I'm kylo-ren."

  
"No," she said again, and now she was crying, hot and heavy tears falling without restraint. Her mind was spinning, how could this be? How long did he....the coffee shop. He hadn't stood her up at all, he had been there, he had known THE ENTIRE time that she was raven_ how could he have known the entire time?

"I'm so, so sorry. I didn't know how else to do this-"

  
"So what, you just lied to me? You just led me on and let me believe that...that what? That you cared about me? What is this some kind of joke?"

  
"No, Rey," his eyes were wide and frightened, his face broken as he looked at her. "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you, I wanted to tell you right away but you hated me, I mean you had spent that entire day dragging me on twitter. If I told you then....I was scared I would lose you completely."

  
"You never had me!" Rey screamed at him.  
"Please just listen," his hands were on her, on her shoulders, one coming up to cup her face, thumb trailing her wet cheek.

  
"I knew in that moment that you hated me, hated Ben Solo and I couldn't lose you completely, I couldn't lose Rey and raven_, you have to understand. I wanted you to...to like me, I wanted you to know the real me so when I came to you with this you would know that I was serious, that I meant it."

  
"Meant what?!" Her voice was acidic, he flinched back.

  
"That I love you," he said it so simply, "that I have always loved you, before I knew you, before Rebel Books and First Order, before the party, before I even saw your face. Rey I have loved you for a very, very long time. And I thought if there was any chance in hell of you loving me too I had to- I had to be better. I had to show you that I wasn't a monster, that I could be someone worthy of loving."

This was too much, this was so fucked up. This wasn't how people treated other people that they loved. Rey thought back over the past two months, over the conversations she had with kylo-ren, all that time it was Ben? He had known this huge thing and he hadn't told her. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think.

"I can't do this," she whispered.

  
"Rey, please..." He looked so broken, so crushed, so much of her wanted to go to him, to tell him it didn't matter but it did matter, it mattered so much.

  
"I'm sorry, I have to go. I can't do this, I can't even look at you right now."

  
His lips were parted and trembling, his eyes were wet. He was crying too. Jesus, she had to get out. She had to-

She turned around and she ran.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY GUYS IM SORRY. This was hard to write!! I originally had only two more chapters planned including this one, but I feel like it makes more sense to do this in three so there will be two more after this. Thank you guys SO MUCH for all of your comments and kudos and love I can't tell you how much it means to me. I hope that I don't disappoint you! The way this scene is handled in YGM is so shitty and my motivation behind writing this fic was a desire to address how someone would actually handle this irl. 
> 
> Also I somehow managed to write Toni Morrison into my Star Wars AU fic and I keep cracking up about it. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Your words are so validating and wonderful.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is like....all sex. Also a little bit of blood (sorry).

Rey ran. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. She had to get away. She hadn't felt panic like this in years, since she was a teenager on the street, hungry and desperate for food or warmth. The weight of the last two months was finally crushing her, losing Rebel Books, her dissatisfaction with her life and with this city. And Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben.

She was heading through the city blindly, after 40 minutes she found herself outside of Poe's apartment. She rang the buzzer, her voice was a mess of squeaks when she spoke.

  
"It's me please let me in!"

  
The door buzzed and she raced through the hall and up the stairs.

  
"What happened?" Poe asked. He was clearly in the middle of cooking, he had an apron on and Finn was sitting on his couch, looking worried.

  
"Ben...he's kylo-ren. All this time he's been...it's him and he told me he LOVES me Poe, what is wrong with him?!"

  
Poe looked equal parts sad and amused.

  
"Honey, what's wrong with him for loving you?"

  
"No, I mean yes but I mean all of it...he lied to me."

  
"Tell me exactly what happened."

Rey recounted the events of the past few hours, both Finn and Poe knew about both Ben and kylo-ren which made explaining easier.

"I mean," Poe said, wiping his hands on his apron, "I know you don't like being lied to but it is pretty romantic?"

  
"What?! Finn tell him he's crazy," Rey said.

Finn was always harsher than both her and Poe.

  
Finn sighed, "Look, it is a little sketchy but I'm kind of with Poe on this one. What was he supposed to do? If he really did love you, he couldn't tell you right away."

  
Rey didn't miss the way Finn's eyes found Poe's, the soft look there. She was missing something... She didn't have the space in her brain to deal with it.

  
"You're serious?" She asked. "You think I really...overreacted?"

  
"Not exactly," Poe said, coming to sit beside her. "I think what you reacted to wasn't the fact that he lied to you, cupcake. It's the fact that he loves you."

Rey felt dizzy. Ben's words began to echo in her head, the look on his face, his wet eyes and parted lips and shaking hands. His love for her felt huge, bigger than anything she had ever believed in. It felt like fate and it felt strange and heavy and she was terrified of it. She started to cry.

  
"I'm scared," she whispered.

  
"I know," Finn said. Both men were huddled on each side of her, heads on her shoulders as she sobbed.

  
"I fucked this up forever, didn't I?" Rey whispered after a few minutes.

  
"No honey, that's not how love works. Someone doesn't stop loving you because you get scared or you act like an asshole or you're flawed, Ben knows you're flawed, and I think in his own way he's tried to be very careful, knowing this might be how you handled it. He loves you Rey, for real."

  
"What do I do?"

  
"What do you wanna do?"

  
Suddenly she was standing, her heart hammering. "I need to go see him, I have to go....fuck I don't know where he lives."

  
Poe was smiling, "I do."

  
"How?!" Both Rey and Finn said.

  
"He's been buying out a lot of the Rebel Books inventory as a private collector. I've been sending him stuff."

  
Poe grabbed his phone and typed something out. Rey felt her phone buzz.

  
"That's his address, go get him."

  
For the second time that day, Rey took of running.

~~~

  
Ben was not good at handling rejection. He wasnt good at handling most of the more unpleasant emotions, despite the fact that he was no stranger to any of them. He was kind of losing it. He could feel his brain just sort of white out after Rey left, and then it was a red rage by the time he got home. He was so stupid, he had fucked everything up. He had found someone so perfect, and he had ruined it. He couldn't think, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet. Everything was fucked up. He had quit his job for fucks sake, what was wrong with him? What did he think was gonna happen, Rey was going to be like "lol it's okay that you've been lying to me, let's run away!" Even if he hadn't been lying to her, he had handed her this huge thing, his whole heart, and he had told him no.

He hated himself. Ben didn't register the decision to slam his fist into wall of his apartment but he did register the sharp sting of his skin splitting on brick, it felt good. He did it again, he slammed his body again the wall, he knocked everything off the desk, his laptop shattered. He was shaking, his hands were torn and slowly bruising.

He didn't care, he didn't care about anything anymore. There was a fire inside of him he couldn't put out, when he got like this it was best to just ride it out and clean up the mess in a spiral of shame later on. Sometimes it would take him days to come down. It wasn't like he had anywhere to be.

He lit a cigarette.

He didn't usually smoke but when he felt like this it calmed him down. He pulled more whiskey from the bottle. He was barefoot, he avoided the glass on the floor of the kitchen where he had smashed a set of crystal tumblers.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Ben looked up from where he had been staring at the shards of glass. Who the fuck could be here right now? No one he wanted to see. It rang again. And again. He went to the intercom.

  
"It's not a good time."

  
"Ben please it's me," her voice was small and strained.

He pressed the unlock button without stopping to think, was she really here? How could that be? Only once the door had opened and he heard footsteps in the hallway did the state of his apartment and his body register. Fuck. Fuck this was bad. He couldn't not let her in, but he also didn't want her to see him like this. It was too late, she was pounding on the door.

He threw the door opened and looked down at her.

~~~

It took Rey a second to realize what she was looking at. Here was Ben Solo, but unlike she had ever seen him. First of all he was wearing white. A short sleeve white shirt along with his dark black jeans. It shouldn't have been the most startling thing about his appearance, he had blood on his lip and his eyes were red and swollen, his hands were stuffed into his pockets. He looked young and terrified.

  
"Hi," she whispered.

  
"Hi," he said.

  
"Can I come in?"

  
Ben looked shifty, he glanced back over his shoulder.

  
"It's...I'm not good right now."

  
She waited a moment in silence and he stepped aside to let her in with a look of resignation. His apartment was massive and beautiful, exposed brick and sleek clean furniture. Huge windows with a view of the Brooklyn Bridge in the distance. It was trashed, everything that had been on the desk was smashed on the floor. There was the scent of cigarette smoke lingering.

  
"Ben," she said.

  
He looked up at her, somehow, despite the height difference, he was looking up though hooded eyes as if waiting for her to hit him. He looked absolutely wrecked.

  
She started crying, again, but not in the overwhelming way she had at Poe's, these were soft, quiet tears.

  
"I'm so sorry," she whispered, and she took a step toward him, he flinched back slightly. "I'm so, so sorry I just, I panicked."

  
"It's not your fault," his voice was so rough and so low it sent a shiver down her spine.

  
"I don't know what I expected, I get that you don't trust me," he said.

  
"No that's not it," she moved closer to him, stepping around broken bits of what looked like it had once been a printer. She was scared to touch him. He didn't look like someone who could be touched right now.

  
"It's my fault," she said, "I'm a coward and I'm scared because this just feels...big. I get why you did what you did and I'm not mad I'm just..." She trailed off.

  
His hand came up to cup her face and she leaned into it, pressing her lips against his wrist. "I'm just sorry."

  
"Me too. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry you have to see me like this," his eyes were red and glassy. She took her hand in his and saw that the skin over his knuckles was split and bleeding.

  
"Ben," her voice was shaking. She took his hand and brought it to her mouth, kissing the place where his skin was torn. She felt him shiver.

  
"I'm...trying to be better. I haven't had an episode like this in a while. I didn't want you to see me like this." His voice was wild and rough.

  
"It's okay," she was kissing his wrist, his palm.

  
"It's not," he said.

  
"I guess we're both kinda broken, huh?"

  
He looked cracked open and wild eyed.

  
"You're not broken," he said.

  
"I am," she was crying again, god damn it.  
"I never had anyone to love me, even when I was little it was just me. No one ever...no one ever held me or-" She broke off with a strangled noise and took a shaky breath.  
"I don't even have a last name Ben. No one has ever wanted me. No ones ever told me they love me, I mean Poe says it but it's not the same it's not....this."

  
"I love you," he said, so simply.

  
She closed her eyes tight, she was trembling. She felt him move closer to her, lips on her face near her ear.

  
"Rey, I love you."

  
She brought her hands up to his hair, she opened her eyes. He looked like an animal uncaged, something wild buzzing below the skin. She leaned in and kissed him. He was so solid, so big against her as his hands cupped her face, his mouth moved against hers instantly, opening her lips with his tongue. She could taste the sharp tang of blood, and below that the hint of whiskey and cigarettes and Ben Ben Ben. Smoky and clean. She sighed against his mouth and his hands moved from her face to her waist, her back.

  
"Rey, you have no idea," he whispered.

  
"I do," she said, peppering his face with kisses.

And she did. Her love for him was huge, her want colossal, her stomach was flipping in time her heart, adrenaline rushing through her veins, the same taste in her mouth as Ben's blood. She grabbed his arms, god they were huge, pressed her body closer to him and heard him let out a small gasp when she fitted herself against him. His hands were at her coat, pushing it off her shoulders and onto the floor. Fingers gripping the long sleeve shirt she had on, bunching in the fabric. His fingers were warm where they dipped under her shirt to flit against her stomach.

She found his mouth again and he led her backwards across the room to the bed. He moved to cover her as she laid down, his body tight against hers.

  
"Rey," his voice was reverent. She closed her eyes tight. Her heart was on fire.

  
"Are you okay?" He asked.

She nodded and opened her eyes, reaching for him with her mouth. His hands pushed her shirt up further and she broke the kiss to let him pull it over her head. He sat back on the bed to look at her, and she reached behind her to unhook her bra, letting it fall away.

  
"Jesus how are you real?" He was asking her, or himself, or god, she didn't know.

She hardly felt real in this moment. His hands traced her collar bones, coming down to cover her breasts. His thumbs brushing against the pebbles of her nipples. He moved so his mouth could take over for his fingers, taking an entire breast into his mouth with a wet noise. She arched into him, heat pooling in her stomach and lower.

He moved to her other breast, nipping lightly at her nipple. She let out a small gasp which seemed to spur him on. She felt his teeth drag across her skin, up her chest to her neck where he bit into the soft flesh at her neck. Her nails dug into his back, clawing at his shirt.

  
"Off," she said, and she hardly recognized her own voice, low and rough.

  
He pulled his shirt over his head from the back, such a swift and boyish move and then there was the creamy expanse of his chest.

  
"Jesus Christ Ben!" She said, pulling back to look at him.

  
"What?" He asked, sounding nervous.

  
"You're ripped, oh my god HOW even," she was smiling now. His cheeks and his ears flushed pink, he shrugged.

  
"I need a physical outlet, it helps."

  
"God damn right it does," she said and sat up to run her hands along his chest, pale skin dotted with moles like a reverse galaxy, dark stars in a milky sky. She laughed, and covered her face.

  
"What?" He said but he was smiling.

  
"More like Ben Swolo, am I right?"

  
"Oh my god," he rolled his eyes, and she was still giggling when he stole her lips in another kiss.

  
She forgot laughter as his hands splayed across her rib cage, his fingers were so large, warm and rough. She wanted them inside her. She canted her hips up to slide against his and she could feel how hard he was through the rough denim between them and her breath caught.

  
"God I want you so badly," he said, reading her thoughts.

  
"You have me," she said.

  
He let out a low growl, hands on her hips moved to undo the button on her jeans. He tugged her down with a quick jerk, and her breath caught. She lifted her hips to let him pull her jeans from her body. His mouth was on her, on her hip, her knees. He pulled her leg up so he could nip at the inside of her thigh. His nose brushed against her underwear, she knew she was wet.

  
"You smell so good," he moaned against her, and his mouth opened over the fabric covering her pussy. His breath was so hot, she bit her lip. He was moving slowly, she had never had anyone pay attention to her body like this. She felt like she was full of electricity, coiled hot inside of her.

His nose pressed against her clit through her panties and she whimpered. She could feel him smile as his tongue came out to taste the damp cotton.

  
"Oh my god," she said, and threw an arm over her eyes.

  
He hooked his thumbs into her panties and tugged them down, and then this mouth was on her, broad tongue lapping at her folds.  
"God damn you taste good too, jesus you're a dream."

  
He ran his fingers along her slit, warm and rough before sliding two inside her. The stretch and burn of him sliding into her made her breath hitch and then his face was next to hers, kissing her jaw.

  
"Yeah good, slide down on me," he whispered and fuck his voice was going to make her cum faster than his hands.

  
She lifted her lips to grind against him and he sighed, pushing deeper into her. She could hear the noises his fingers made as he began to fuck her with three of them.

  
"Fuck Rey you're so wet," his voice was full of wonder.

  
"Cause I want you, you can't believe how- ah how much," she was rambling but Ben's pace increased with her words.

  
"Tell me how much," he said.

  
"So much it hurts, feels empty without you, my heart, my head, my pussy. Need you-" she bit off her words to groan as Ben crooked his fingers and let his thumb side to her clit, she was cumming so suddenly she grabbed his hair to fist it in her hands.

  
"You're so beautiful, oh my god Rey." He was kissing her, moving his body to slide over her and she was clawing at his jeans he lifted onto his hands so she could push them off his hips and he helped get them the rest of the way off. He was hard in his briefs (Ben Solo wore briefs) and then he was up against her, grinding his cock against her through his underwear. The drag of the fabric on her over-sensitized cunt pushed out another of those small gasps she seemed unable to control, and her teeth were slack and dragging along his jaw.

She reached for his briefs and pushed them down off his hips, reaching for his dick with a shaking hand. He was so big, hard as wood and soft as velvet and so, so hot. She pushed him off of her.

  
"What?" He asked, but stopped when he saw her face. She wrapped a hand around his cock.

  
"You're so big," she whispered, "look how small my hand looks."

  
"Oh fuck," Ben shut his eyes tight, "if you say shit like that with my dick in your hand I'm not gonna last."

Rey let out a small laugh, pushing him onto his back. This way she could see all of him, his huge arms, his long legs, an entire ocean of skin like sweet cream and eyes like he wanted to eat her. She straddled him, letting his dick slide along her without going inside. She let her hips mimic the rhythmic motion they had found on his hand before.

His face almost looked like he was in pain, but his eyes were endless in their want. The look on his face was the reason people painted, it made her wish she could draw. She would just have a million drawings of the way Ben Solo looked beneath her, hard and desperate. She lifted her hips, lining him up at her entrance. His hands were huge on her hips, holding her. She had one hand on his chest and one on his shoulder.

Slowly, she took the head of him inside her, angling herself, and then she slid all the way down in one quick, desperate motion. It was almost too much, it hurt, sent pain through her stomach in a way that was *just* on the wrong side of discomfort.

  
"Oh fuck," his face screwed up like he was going to cry and it was so worth it. Rey gave herself a moment to adjust to him, pressing herself against his chest and breathing heavily. Then she started to move, circling her hips so he never came out of her, just fucked deep or deeper. She was forced into shallow, sharp breaths every time he pulled back slightly.

She leaned back to watch him, the utter bewilderment on his face.

  
"God you're so beautiful," she said, "Ben I've never, nothing's ever felt this good."

  
"Fucking you is heaven," he said, head rolling back.

  
She worked herself on him until her movements became erratic and unsteady and he surged up to flip her over. He was back inside her in an instant and controlling the rhythm as he pushed into her faster, faster.

  
"I'm gonna cum," he said, and his voice was so strangled and so close it felt like it was inside of her, Rey felt her body spasm with another orgasm at his words, letting out a small cry.

He watched her face and broke right after her, hips stuttering, a low moan falling from his lips. He pushed his face into her neck but she pulled it back so she could watch him ride it out. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

He collapsed on top of her, pulling out slowly and she could feel his cum inside of her, hot and slippery. He pulled her against his chest, kissing her sweat damp hair.  
"Ben," she whispered, and he opened his eyes to look at her. He looked peaceful, powerful, utterly perfect.

  
"I love you," she said, and she loved him, she loved him, she loved him.

 

Rey and Ben slept for hours, and when they woke up it was dark, the middle of the night, the city twinkling outside of Ben's huge windows.

"I left First Order," it's the first thing he said, "That's what I was doing in Vermont."

  
Rey sat up in bed. Ben was naked and loose limbed beside her, and he seemed so calm.

  
"Ben... are you okay? What happens now I mean, your money..."

  
He was smiling. "I can cash out my shares."  
Rey wasn't sure what that meant.

  
"So you're being bought out?"

  
"Basically. I own a third of the company and I can sell it back to the board and to the shareholders, as long as I do it gradually."

  
"So, that's a lot of money?"

  
Ben was laughing now, "Rey it's...It's enough money for us to whatever we want for as long as we want, and for our kids and our kids kids to do whatever they want, if we play our cards right."

  
Rey's stomach flopped at the mention of kids, but she knew he was being hyperbolic for the sake of getting his point across. She didn't know how much money that was, but she knew that First Order was a multi-billion dollar company.

  
"What...What do we do now?"

  
Ben got up from bed suddenly, and padded out into the living room. Rey smiled as she watched him, butt naked and adorable. He came back a minute later holding a large spinning globe.

  
"You tell me, where are we going."

  
Rey felt like the world was huge and she had only just started to pull the thread of it. It felt like a dream, whimsical and safe. She traced her fingers over the globe. She looked up at Ben, his eyes warm and loving, and she spun it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH! I can't believe I finally wrote this chapter!! There is one more that I'm working on which will be an epilogue probably six months in the future. I can't tell you how  
> much your words mean to me, you guys have really saved me during a dark time. I am so so thankful. Please let me know what you think! I really hope you guys liked it :)


	11. EPILOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is literally the sappiest thing I've ever written.

TEN MONTHS LATER

Rey woke up slowly these days. There was never any rush, which had taken some getting used to.

The first few weeks after she left New York, she would still sit up in bed after 6 hours of sleep, thinking she missed her alarm. Ben would push his face into her stomach and press sleepy little kisses on her skin until she was squirming.

  
"I like this little routine," he said in the predawn light one early morning, grabbing her knee to spread her legs under him. "You should wake up early every morning to fuck me."

  
She had laughed for the briefest moment before he was buried inside of her and the only sounds she could make were breathy declarations of love.

After a few weeks, the panic of a missed alarm wore off and she was able to wake up later, without any rush.

She woke up in Greece, a painters pallets of blue and white. Ben took her diving in the clear water of the Mediterranean, they climbed endless tiny staircases to get to the highest points of the city. They laid on the beach and held hands.

She woke up in Rio, surrounded by more green that she had ever seen in her life. They hiked and drank wine and made love in seaside hotel rooms on brightly colored sheets.

She woke up in Kenya, hotter than she had ever been in her life and wandered out of their encampment to see a family giraffes eating leaves from a tree.

When she opened her eyes to darkness one morning, it took her a moment to remember where exactly she was. There was an open window and the late autumn wind was coming in cold. Switzerland, she was in Switzerland. She pressed her body in closer to Ben for warmth, and his arms came to cage her close to him.

"You okay," he whispered.

  
"I'm perfect. I keep waiting to wake up  
from this dream, I still can't believe you're real."

  
"It's so early for existential quandaries, am I real? Is life real? I can't think about it before coffee."

  
Rey could feel his words rumbling around her from where she was pressed against his chest, she tilted her head up to kiss at his neck, sucking at the hot skin where she could feel his pulse. His arms moved from their gentle embrace so his hands could touch her better, one holding her ass and one in her hair, both pulling her closer. He moved to settle himself on top of her.

  
"I love you," he said, hand on his cock so he could guide it into her."

  
Rey felt her eyes burn as he pushed into her quickly, she surged up so she could kiss the skin by his ear.

  
"I love you so much," her words were pressed close to his skin. He moved and she watched him fuck her. His face getting red and sweaty, small shudders wracking his shoulders every so often. She reached her face toward his and he met her in an embrace that was less kissing and more breathing into each other's open mouths.

  
"Can't believe how good you feel," she whispered.

  
"I think you were made for my dick," he said, fucking her faster, "this is the closest I've ever been to god."

  
His voice was like another thing inside of her, buzzing from her ears to her pussy.

  
His hands came up to pin hers back, and then he was fucking her so fast she was grunting every time he slamed in hard enough to bruise her cervix.

  
"Ben," she kept saying his name, like he was fucking the word out of her. "Ben I'm so close."

  
"That's it, come for me."

  
She did, her body jerking up, his so strong, so heavy, he had her pinned as she rode her orgasm out, gasping breath and watering eyes.

"Fuck you're so pretty when you cum, oh my god," he was moving erratically, mumbling against her skin.

  
"I love you so much Rey, I love you forever, never gonna be without you I promise, I promise-" His words stuttered and he let out a strange whimper, hands on her hard enough to bruise when he came.

She watched his face until his breath was back and then took his mouth in hers. Gently, he slid out of her. He was so beautiful like this, all the time really, but she loved the private way he looked just for her.

  
"I love you forever, too," she said.

  
Ben taught her how to snowboard. She was not terrible at it, she was always a fast learner. She like racing down the slopes, the wind in her face, body numb but flying. She loved Switzerland, the mountains jutting up from the ground like stone walls around the city, dotted with lights. Ben had a small apartment he kept full time so he could come snowboarding whenever he wanted. They spent three weeks in the mountains before venturing down into France. Rey didn't want to go London, one day, but not yet.

France was beautiful, late November saw the start of christmas lights, and she felt like she was in a storybook.

"I made us dinner reservations," Ben said, stepping out of the shower. Rey was brushing her teeth in the sink, waiting for her turn. "Wear that new dress," he winked.

The restaurant was beautiful, small and delicately lit with candles suspended above them and on the tables. Rey was in a black dress that Ben had bought her, low cut in the front and backless. He was in a dark suit with a red tie and his hair was slicked back. He looked better than anything on the menu.

After dinner, which was melt in your mouth delicious, Ben said "I have a present for you."  
He slid a small box toward Rey and she noticed immediately that it was not ring shaped, with a small tug in her stomach.

"What is it?" She asked with a smile.

  
"Open it," he said.

  
Rey took the small flat box and pulled the ribbon from around it. Inside was just a small piece of paper with the word Solo written on it in delicate calligraphy.

  
"I don't get it, it's your last name..." Rey said.  
"Yours too," Ben said softly, "If you want it."

He looked nervous, sheepish almost, and Rey was speechless.

  
"Are you... oh my god Ben."

  
Ben had gotten out of his chair, he was down on one knee.

  
Then there really was a ring, delicate and vintage and sparkling.

  
"Rey, I have loved you for years, I loved you before I knew you and finding you has made me a better person. I want to wake up with you in Paris, and in Rome and New York and Los Angeles, every day for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?"

  
Rey was crying, she was sure she looked a mess but she didn't care.

  
"Yes!" She said, hands coming up to cover her mouth, and then were pushed away as Ben's lips found hers. Yes, yes, yes.

~~~

They made it back to their hotel, but the instant the door had closed behind them Rey pounced on Ben. He was a little taken aback, she looked absolutely feral. He could not believe this creature was going to be his wife. He started clawing at her dress but she pushed him back up against the door and sunk to her knees. She looked wicked and wonderful. Her small hands came up to tug at his belt.

  
"You look fucking amazing in that suit."

  
She pulled his belt out of the loops with a swift sound that made his dick twitch.

  
"Just wait til you see the one I'm gonna marry you in- ah." Her hands dipped into his pants, grazing his erection before tugging them down along with his briefs. His cock sprung out, bouncing near her mouth.

She leaned forward to pepper little butterfly kisses along his shaft and his hips jerked forward, her hands came up to pin his hips back against the wall. She wasn't strong enough to really hold him in place but he got the message and behaved.

She licked a stripe up the underside of his cock and then sunk down onto him, he slid about halfway into her mouth as she began to suck him off, relaxing her throat as he sank into her, so hot and so wet, and she sucked hard as she came back up to lick the head.

"Fuck, that's so good," he could hear his voice, too low and rough. He tangled his hand in her hair as she worked him. She couldn't get all off him in her mouth but she used her hands to work the base of his shaft. She looked incredible, he watched the place where his dick disappeared into her, the way her cheeks hollowed out as she sucked, eyes watering. He loved her so much.

He could feel the tight heat building in his stomach, his hips twitched again and now she let him fuck into her mouth, pushing deeper. He let out a whimper, fisting her hair as he came down her throat.

"Oh my god you're an angel," he whispered.  
She stood up and leaned against him, pressing kisses into his neck and his jaw and his lips. He couldn't believe she was really going to marry him. He didn't know how he got so lucky.

  
They went back to New York in the spring to plan a wedding. Both of Ben's parents were immediately smitten with Rey. Leia took her dress shopping. Han took her drinking. Ben was smitten watching them fawn over her.

"You did good, kid" his father said to him one afternoon, watching Rey and Leia laughing into classes of sparking wine.

  
"For once," he added, but there was no venom, only a playful lilt to his words.

  
"Thanks dad," Ben said.

They were married in October, in a small ceremony upstate with all the leaves changing colors. Poe gave Rey away. There was a sense of peace that Ben had never felt before, a calm that seemed to seep out from inside of him. He watched as Rey as she walked down the aisle and all he could think was, there is the rest of your life right in front of you.

Their honeymoon wasn't very different from their normal life, they went to Bali and to Bangkok and Fiji, warm places they could hide out for the winter and Ben woke up every day amazed and in awe of his wife.

 

 **raven_ sent a photo set**  
dude look at these fan illustrations for half blood prince

 **kylo-ren**  
lol

 **raven** _  
what?

 **kylo-ren**  
nothing just laughing bc i can't believe you married me

 **raven** _  
lmao you're so weird. bring home coffee pls

 **kylo-ren**  
you got it babe. ily

 **raven** _  
ily2 weirdo

Life was good. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hard for me to describe how much writing this fic, this fandom and especially your comments pulled me out of a hole so dark I thought it would swallow me. Grief is so strange. To all of you who have left comments, THANK YOU, to those of you who stuck with me and commented on multiple chapters I SEE YOU all and I love you. You guys really saved me and this sapppppppy ass ending is 10000% for you. I love these kids, I hope you will stick with me as I continue to write about them forever. Pls add me on tumblr, talk to me, it's the best part of my day.

**Author's Note:**

> I have about 10 chapters planned that loosely follow YGM w some major/minor differences. ALLL criticism is welcome!! If you have things you wanna see, tell me! I don't have a computer so all of this is written on my phone and probably full of typos so feel free to let me know but honestly it will probably stay unedited. Hopefully it's not unbearable! Comments/Kudos are life.
> 
> If you don't already, follow me on [tumblr](http://r-e-a-l-m-a-t-h.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/violethoure666)


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